'How does one love so much blankness?'

So far 2009 has been the best litteracy year since forever.

I thank you, you pretty books of mine.

'C'est quand on ne peut plus le faire que cela devient dangereux. Alors les émotions s'accumulent à l'intérieur du corps et se durcissent. Toutes sortes de sentiments se figent et meurent à l'intérieur du corps. Et c'est terrible.'

Elizabeth Bennet: I couldn't sleep.

Mr. Darcy: Nor I. My aunt--Elizabeth Bennet: Yes, she was here.Mr. Darcy: How can I ever make amends for such behiavor?

Elizabeth: After what you have done for Lydia, and I suspect for Jane also, it is I who should be making amends.

Mr. Darcy: You must know, surely you must know, it was all for you. You are to generous to trifle with me. I believe you spoke with my aunt last night and it has taught me to hope as i had scarcly allowed myself before. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings had changed, I would have to tell you, you have bewitched me body and soul and I
love...I love... I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.

Elizabeth Bennet: Well then... [takes Mr. Darcy's hands and kisses them] Your hands are cold.

Mr. Darcy: [nods]

This is the book im reading right now, and it's everything i ever wanted to feel while reading a book. It's so good and delicious that i want to live inside it. The perfection of this book makes me see all the imperfections, flaws and wrongs of myself, my life, my body, my thoughts. Suddenly im terribly depressed and the only thing that makes me feel anything good is this book.

It's evil.

But it's oh so good. Probably the best book i'll read in 2009.
<3

And although it seems so silly to say this out of no where. But rip Natasha Richardson.

Oh how dreams are weird. Two nights ago i had a dream about fucking with Kevin Spacey and it was so good. That was a quality dream, with a real plot. Kinda like a soft porn movie but with hardcore fucking. I used to daydream and be in love with him when The negociator came out. I thought he was the dreamiest-most-perfect-man ever. So this was really lovely.

Then last night i dreamed that i was raped multiple times. Also there was a real plot. And in it, i wouldnt tell anyone who it was, but only giving hints, while still being around the man. Then at the very end of it, i was telling everyone who it was and what happened, and nobody would beleive me.

So yeah, overall very shocking.

I just realized that the last time i wrote here was hours before i got sick. So sick i had things coming out of my body in 3 different holes at the very same time. And then i did the hospital thing and everything got better...-NOT.

So i got a job! A steady job! It's not with babies and doesnt involved changing diapers, and thats fucking too bad because i miss it. Im just tired...school is kicking my ass, work is kicking my ass, im kicking my own ass too. My doctor decided to reduced the amount of sleeping medication i take- which makes me go to bed at 3 am.... I can't see my boyfriend because he works, and i work, and i go to class.

Classes...now i realized that im stuck with the same people. Because its a program, i will see the very same people for another 10 months....which fucking sucks. Because... because...theres some people that are basically tracking my moves in class. Oh she's late! Oh she's didnt come to class- again! Oh what a needy bitch! She's always tired! Well well well whatever. I dont know if its because im too nice or because i usually dont care about other people but FUCK ME, i don't care if people come to class, if they're late, if they email teachers etc etc. It's college, you pay and everything else is your own business. URGH.

Anyways, i think some people are retarded.

It's almost terrible how reading about something interesting makes me happy to be alive in this world. I want to be surrended by books and magazines and internets and pretty useless things that are lovely to look at. I want to have cats and take care of them as they would take care of me. I want to have a job that doesnt kill my spirit and earns me money. I want to have more money so i can buy all these material things that are not-so-material at the end. I want to gain independance, slowly but surely from my parents. Cos one day i want to have my own place where i'll put my own things, all these lovely things to look at. I want to take care of my insides so that my outside looks better so that i love better my bf. I don't want to change the world, i just want my world to be better. This is a good feeling, im trying, im hoping. My personal doom mixed with hope.