Im tired, i want my own place so i can sleep a whole day without someone telling me its not normal and that i have to get up and be productive.

Look at Courtney Love, she would let me sleep all day and be in my room and look at pictures of her online.

Courtney Courtney!!! Adopt me adopt me!

please please

IM SO FUCKING TIRED OF SEEING BRITNEY SPEARS'S VAGINA + C SECTION EVERYFUCKING DAY FOR THE LAST WEEK ARGH ARGHHHHHH. IT'S NOT COOL, NOT SEXY, IT'S JUST SO FUCKING BORING.

Hollywood is so...boring. It's the same things over and over every weeks.
-Nicole Richie is too skinny!
-Paris Hilton has sex with lots of people!
-Lindsay Lohan is a coke-whore!
-Jessica Simpson is blond and has huge breats!
-Britney Spears...is a fucking idiot.
-Lost is the best show ever!

I DON'T CARE ANYMOREEE ARHJJJ.

TEAM COURTNEY LOVE- AT LEAST SHE'S NOT TRYING TO BE CUTE OR OOPS DID I JUST FORGET TO PUT UNDERWEARS ON? NOOOO WHEN SHE FLASHES HER PUSSY- SHE FUCKING MEANS IT.

I saw the THIN documentory on youtube yesterday. It follows severals womens- some in their last 20s, some in their teens. All anorexic or bulimic. Having the fear of getting fat. So they refuse to eat, or if they do, they purge.

Im chubby. I've been fat for many years. Something happened and i decided that i would rather die than still be fat. Im not stupid. Im not retarded. Im not bipolar. But right now, even after feeling shocked and sad while watching them. I understood. And at the end when they come back home- they all started again restricting or purging. I still have 30 lbs to loose. My doctors says 15 to 20. I say 30. I still feel something horrible inside of me wheni eat something knowing i wont be able to purge it after. My metabolism is at his slowlest. But im trying . I plan to join the college gym, get my own treadmill. And i swear, if i succeed to loose the last 20-25-30 pounds. I will probably get down on my knees and cry.

I feel like im close to nothing. I feel in my head, like my place in this world is so small. Yet, i feel like i take so much space. So much physical space. I want to be thin, I want people to feel my bones, to be careful with me. I want the outside to match my insides.

A while ago i was at like 185. I felt fine, i didnt care that much. I had friends, i had crushes. I had a social life. I was ok with myself. I was overweight and i was fine.

Im chubby and im not fine. Its funny because some guys find my beautiful, and when i refuse to give my phone number or say no, the think i have like this hufe dating life and its competition and blah blah blah. Its so fucking hilarious because before i didnt have that. And i thought it would be..nice to get attention.

Now the last thing i want is to be looked at. And i just can see myself thin, in my little corner- happy to not take so much space. Happy to not be seen at all.

-

I want to say one thing though. Eating disorders are evil. They fuck your mind. It's 24/7 with this in your head. It's horrible. I hope one day, to be able to enjoy food again. To eat 3 meals a day. Normal ones. To feel good again.

That's my personal oeuvre d'art that i made on my bf's arm.

I think its my best one so far. Plus it's very christmas-ish.

And QUOTE FROM MY BOOK!

"Or should i continue to permit her to inhabit her parallel universe and see what other suggestive similes emerged? 'Give me a place to stand and i will move the earth' said Archimedes. Even if that place is an illusion, and that world a brilliant hoax the mind has flung upon itself."

Not enough blood in my pumping heart

I seem to wake up everyday with a drum in my head
no matter what, i feel almost down to be alive
nothing is bright in november
all things dies
but i still need to wake up and get up
it's a crime to feel sad
sad for nothing in particular
But i find myself smiling a lot
and sometimes im happy enough
to erase all the wrongs
all the violet violence
To all the sad ones, be careful
love is good, love is kind
but it can play tricks on you
and kick you in the heart so hard
that you feel nothing else
This love thing is scary
scarier than life
But im finding myself feeling
thinking
Id rather be dead scared
than sad of living a life

All the love i have for these people makes my head go fuzzy sometimes.

Courtney Love: my favorite human. I hope she never dies. Her insanity keep me sane.

Madonna: She wanted to rule the world. <3

Neil Gaiman= :) oui

David Bowie= sexy

Justin Timberlake= not sexy

Not picture: my boyfriend. Who's more real than anything else i felt before.

what a mess this girl
she's old, she should be gone!
what a whore this girl
spread her legs for money
shut her door for love
she's not even pretty!
that's what they said
starfucker maybe
but least likely to die
forgotten
she'll never be

"The gong was soundless"

Marie Antoinette was stunningly gorgeous. Sweet and delicious for my eyes. It was...it's the sort of film that breathes by itself. Visually it was perfect. It was everything i was hoping for but even more. Just...so...pretty. There's a scene, where she wants to be left alone in her room and the music is playing and it theres the strockes singing " i wanna be forgotten, don't wanna be reminded..." It's still in my head right now.

*sighs* today was not like the reality i experience most of the time, it was bordeline dream-like. <3

Mhhh things are fine i think. I used to adore rainy days in my teen years. I would think poetic thoughts about how i feel fine under a grey wet sky while everybody else are praying for the sun to come back. Now it's hard for me to feel any adoration towards rain and dark days. It just makes my whole self into hibernation mood. I want to sleep, i don't want to talk. I want everything to move and think slowly because it's always too fast. I can't say i like sunny days either though.

It's really sad that i don't have any talents. Maybe that's why im not a driven person. I don't have any fucking drive- im not a writer, im not a musician, im not a thinker.

I watch people exploit their talents. And i love their talents. And i watch them shine.

That's what im good at; i guess.

Borat: A+++But omg while watching the movie... i was shocked, and disgusted and i was laughing the whole time. It's still so fresh in my head that it's almost hard to talk clearly about it. Sasha Baron Coen <333

Adam Sandler and his daughter Sadie: A+++

Rainy days makes me sleepy sleepy sleepy

Kind of days where i watch Secretery and Breakfest at Tiffanys back to back.

<3