I want to be under his skin
and run away forever in him

Have you noticed that blooms and dooms could be almost the same word ? They look like twins yet they're not meant to look or be the same.

Fascinating.

I wonder if you need to go through hell so that you can come back and be able to feel the 'happiness'. Before all this, before the moment where you thought that you're life was already written in bold colorful letters- you could catch all these glimpes and breathes of perfect glow-lish happy moments ?

Or is it just now, when im trying to so hard to start as fresh, as new -while my past lives are playing tricks on me; that i can see the difference between good, bad, content, happy, depressed, suicidal, excited, comforted or peacefull.

I clearly know this is not making sense. I just want to understand all these little chemicals called 'feelings'.

If im just a human black hole who camouflage herself as a girl with a future.

You're a salty water, ocean wave
You knock me down,
you kiss my face

-
To me, this moment is the closest thing to the afterglow. Everything stayed the same around me but i feel like my airspace changed somehow. This was lovely. This is lovely...

I suddenly want to own every Oasis records.
And i feel like listening to u2 and beleive Bono's everlasting hopefullness.

<3

Stole my colors, the worst is over
never felt so alive the day i died
child is gone
but i'll never grow old
tell you what i saw
red
all over
in and out
Illuminations
nobody is going to save me
no sailor could land on my sea
main me, tame me
oh what a rush
for the blooms

Strong inside

But you don't now it

Hurt is not supposed to show

Tears inside

But no one knows

See how i think

I am weak

But I am strong

I can use my tears to

Bring you home

Tease me above me

full stars
empty eyes
bedroom thighs
send a conscience
away away

I thought today why someone would like to be with me. Why? I don't know why men ask me out. I try my hardest to be invisible. And im not invisible-nothing works.

I wish i was uglier. No more inbetweens or mysteries. No more lies or letdowns. I'd have none from the very start. Nothing equals nothing new.

It's so...strange to reveil yourself to someone. It's formidable and scary.

I want to see Tokyo and be brand new. I want a neverending book. I want stripes and polka dots everywhere. I want to smell the roses even though im dead. I want a cat and new bones. I want to wake up and never feel alone. I want to see London and feel the air. I want to be without no one else. I want pink pills and blue ones, i want to mix them up and make someone laugh. I want a hand in mine and a new heart. I want to see nyc and feel the mood and never fall asleep again. I want to break someone's heart and be the one to make it whole. I want chocolate and a trainer. I want to be bent, pushed, crushed- let him decide what he wants. I want to make him happy and horny. I want to be tested and make a mistake. I want to be forgiven and forgive. Have it all in me and forget. I think i just want to feel calm. And do it on the floor as i lay or maybe against the kitchen's foor as i wait to stay.

Today i fell in love.
+
I've never been in love with Zidane. I mean, i loved him as a player, even as a man- he always seemed to hold his head up and still be not such a snob about his greatness. But OMG looking back at this match and how it ended is career... that head kick just made me love him on a whole new level. He's not just a fucking machine, he has a heart too!!! The italian must have told him something pretty terribly low and evil-mean to get that reaction out of Zidane. But fuck, i love that he stood for himself and what is he even though it goes with fucking his career ending. He's officially my favorite french male. I love him. Zizou 4 life !



+ Happy bday to Courtney Love. She's the love of my life <3.

I wonder how they falls asleep at night in blissful ignorance. When she, subtly doped on her prescription, time-travels through the terrain of her unconscious until she overcome by sleep. They knows only what is right in front of them; she is aware of every incoming sensation that glances obliquely against her fragile core.

And i wonder which side is the best one. One way theres just too much blindness, isnt just almost clumsy to see the world and living as a beautiful blissful bloom ? And the other way...it's overthinking, overfeeling, overplanning and never getting over your own fucking life.

Like today, i was talking to a friend. Telling her about this kitten i held for half an hour at the pet store. I named him Rufus but couldn't take him home. And i was telling my friend, how i was hoping he was happy right now with really good loving people taking care of him. And she was like 'but it's only a cat- you cannot worry about this cat's feelings, if he has any!' AND I KNOW ITS RETARDED but shit im pretty sure that in 10 years i'll still be like 'ohhh I hope Rufus is ok right now'.

So maybe im an idiot after all because theres so much things right now im finding hard to get over with. Like Rufus....SHIT RUFUS I LOVE YOU!!! It's...depressing a little to think like i think.

But today was good. It was good. Good is nice. :)

Yeah where the fuck were you when my lights went out?
Yeah you dont want to look at it
Yeah you dont want to look at me
Come on let me out


Even though Naomi is a total spycho mega bitch, i find solace in this picture. She's obviously posing, but i love the fact that she's crying and that maybe these tears are the first ones she cried in months.

Pretty picture. I hope nobody cried today in the world. I did cry though. It makes me feel ugly and weak yet for several instant when the tears are rolling on your cheeks...you feel a rush, some kind of red light in your brain that you're breathing. And living.

I can't be this bad.