i almost crossed the line

almost lost it again

the mind is afraid of comfort

you said

what i am

who am i

reading a game of you i wondered

im just little nothings

but i know i know

that i would try

to bring down the moon

kill the seasons

just to have you back

because im nothing

nothing without a home

Flicker

flicker

flicker

flickering

There is never a sudden revelation, a complete and tidy explanation for why it happened, or why it ends, or why or who you are. You want one and i want one, but there isn't one. It comes in bits and pieces, and you stitch them together wherever they fit, and when you are done you hold yourself up, and still there are holes. And you are a rag doll, inverted, imperfect. and yet you are all that you have, and so you must be enough. there is no other way.

There is an incredible loss. there is a profound grief. All the time, i feel like im greiving something, someone, life. My own death.I hope... there is, in the end, after a long time and more work than you ever thought possible, a time when it gets easier. For me, for my friends, the ones i love, even for everybody else, the ones who are so silent that we never hear their breaths.

Im sick, i think i have a stomach virus. Or une grippe intestinal. My skin looks grey. I've been in bed all day.
The only reason im up its because my bf is back from work and i miss him.

Rescue me
rescue me
rescue me

But yay Britney Spears is still in rehab. In my bubble, that's good news.

Das Kleine Madchen /Ein Sonnenstrahl

I need the book about the Marie-Antoinnette film. I need the soundtrack, the dvd of course, posters etc etc. Not just because i loved the film but also because of the colors, the bright pink, bubble-icy-colors. And because it's such a comforting whole.

Anyways, i dreamt that everything was getting better but that it stil had that grain of weirdness-uneasiness which seems perfect.

no tears

please

no hurt

it wasn't my purpose

all i wanted

was give love

be loved

kitties

sleep

books

i was nice

i am nice

it wasn't suposed to happen to me

so please

someone

wake me up

wake me up

i dont want to be a stranger to you

please dont be a stranger to me

because i dont want to be

a stranger to myself

I wanted to shave my head, a while ago. I think its because i didn't wanted people to see me. Hair for a girl, is so important. You're not beautiful anymore, you're not cute or nice anymore. You're a girl whos weird enough to shave off her hair.

I think Britney had too much money too young and that too many people were on her payroll. If they get a new car because of her, who are they to tell her to stop being so stupid. Anyways, it's disturbing to witness this.

She needs cuddles. Not sex! Cuddles!

Britney, you can come to my house, i have another bed in my room! We'll go get coffes together, go to my therapist together...and we'll spoon and cuddle at night. Then we'll make a plans and to-do lists like "total makeover list", "how to be a mother" list.

And be bffs.

laterz,

Audrey

Shit Britney Spears shaved her hair after getting out of rebah (she stayed 1 hour) wow...i had meaningful stuff to write about but seriously Britney STOP THE COCAINE AND THE DRINKING AND G BACK TO SCHOOL BECAUSE YOU SEEM OBVIOUSLY RETARDED.

I love sleep, I love books- good books, I love cats-any cats, I love 2nd cup, strabucks etc, I love music and movies, I love Courtney Love, Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton, Madonna and Neil Gaiman. I love silence too, i love calm. I love my internal fantazy bubble where everything is simple and pretty and will not harm me.

Im stressed a lot, anxious, scared, insecure.

Sometimes i want to be hit by a car. Or cut my skin. Or be left alone in a bed.

Im going to bed. Tomorrow is waiting for me.

It's really not that bad.

List:
A game of you- Sandman
Journals of Courtney Love- i cant fucking beleive i didnt get it for myself at Christmas. im stupidstupid
new pants or jeans, and possibly a paper bag to hide my 150 lbs fat self
Marie-Antoinnette DVD
celexa, bluepills

Happy Valentines Day...

It's such a weird day, i spend minutes and moments and days thinking about my boyfriend and feeling my heart being explode and crushed and kissed and loved by him. And here's today and i don't know what to do. Loving him is such a minute-by-minute thing.

I feel so insecure...i just want to tell him hi, i love you. Youre my baby, youre my love. But im afraid is not enough for today.

<3

Audrey

look into the sky
all that is gold
does not glitter
im just a girl
that can't help
i wonder about things
what's the plan they had for me
do i have a destiny?
next year
whats going to happen
again to me
i wish i had a clue
or two

I step right off the edge
Let the blood rush to my head
I’m going down to where the lucky ones have bled
I lift the veil up to reveal fascination
And if you crave it
Then you know that you are injured

Yesterday was "super bowl day". Im extremly lucky to have a boyfriend who doesn't care about how life-changing is supposed to be the super bowl. We had lunch and we walked a little and had coffe and everything was smooth and warm. It was maybe the best day of my week. It wasnt complicated, the food was good, we saw books and dvds and i could hold his hand whenever i wanted and i could stare at him and the world sort of stop around me when im with him. And that's what so amazing and perfect- he seems to understand the things that makes me feel better and all the boring things...To see him and talk to him and be around him makes me happy.

It's really simple and it's really amazing which makes it complicated for someone like me. But it's good. He's healthy for me. It's not 'imgoingtoslistmywritsforyou' love it's really a "i love you i love you i love don't ever change" kinda of love. It's lovely.

Je l'aime

Méduse

"ll ne s'agit pas de son avenir à elle ni de leur avenir à eux, mais du présent et du passé trasformé en cauchemard, un cauchemard dont elle pourrait se trouver totalement, meirveilleusement libérée."

je replonge

Dear Sylvia,

You should have left for a week
or 3 months, maybe a year
You should have save yourself
alone, only alone you could have stay
alive.
They were too noisy for you
They were sick
They were happy
They needed, wanted you
It was too much, i bet waking up was too much
You couldnt do it
Not even for yourself
Look, he cheated, humiliated you
i would have told you to run run
run away for your life
But you stayed
Played the saint
They made a mess of you
They didnt pick up the pieces
You killed yourself
And im sorry to say
You didnt miss anything
Things were bad now they're worse
You're f ine Sylvia youre fine