I had a good week. Im impressed by how fast i came back to life with celexa in my system. Bless the chemicals. A really big part of my well being is because of this one person i love. And i really dont want to be a pressure or a worry or like a task to him...making sure that i feel ok and blah blah. I want him to feel free. To be free. Im not taking him for granted. I hurt him so many times. And everytime i hurt him, i felt like i was falling more in love and that i was on the verge of loosing him. This is rambling, but i feel it. Im lucky. Im not retarded, this is special, he is special. Im lucky. No one understand how lucky i am. I swear to God. It can last for another week, or months or years. I'll remember him and all that he is till my last breath.

Not everybody can say that.

I can't even read the entries i wrote when i was off celexa. I seem so pityful, out of it and seriously tortured. It's a shame really.
*

I watched 'Hard Candy' twice. The extras with directors, producter, writer's interviews helped me realized why i didnt love the movie. The plot, the story, every little thing in this movie was made to shock. I was watching it and i could imagine the writer- writing the dialogue- trying to make it disturbing and thoughtful and shocking and etc. Its so sugarcoated with 'underground- arty-vision- we are not a big studio film' that its almost like a joke. Anyways, it's weird. I liked it. Not loved it. But still. It's a big deception.
*

Everytime i see bf/gf who are not holding hands, i wonder how, why, how, why, how. I do not know how they do it. Or why do they not do it?. Its strange to watch these kind of people who seems so disconnected of each other. Weirdness.

16:01
So im crying nonstop. And im trying to stop but i can't. It's like everything is clear now. My boyfriend is going to leave me. Im going to get cancer or something. I won't be able to get down to 120lbs ever. I'll stop to care about everything and every songs will be the death of me. And i know it's the celexa. I know i know. I can feel it in my body, someting is missing. What i feel or thinnk is not real but only illusions caused by the lack of celexa but even if i know that, i can't stop it. And i can't explain this to them. They'll all think im insane or they'll pity me or they won't beleive me.

all i see is mirrors
all i can see is myself
sucking the light out of the world
sucking the energy out of me
all i feel is destruction
all is slowly dying
like a bad joke im the only one left alive
i did it all by myself
all of this i did it
all in my head it was
then i slowly made it come to live
with every silence im killing what he feels for me
and im crying crying crying

Im out of celexa. It's been 4 days. I almost want to wait more just to see how i turn out without chemicals. Or maybe i don't. I feel my head spin a little. That's all. I felt almost pretty today. Then a few minutes ago. I was looking at surveys and read this question: 'describe your ideal significant other'. I felt it hit and cried a few tears. It's just horrible to feel like the most horrible thing. I wish i was 'pretty-ugly' as the french way. Sofia Coppola, Charlotte Gainsbourgh etc. Girls with something really off about their physique. But with intellect or charm or mystery or a 'je ne sais quoi' aura. The type of girl that no boy looks at, but only a very few, rare type of boy. The type who doesn't look twice at the Carmen Electra or Pamela Anderson (circa 1990s) or whatever.
But at the same time its all so vague. Id be a lesbian i would fuck Sofia and Charlotte but not Pamela. So maybe im biased. And also all this physique thing is such a fucking blur to me. I wish i could get over it and just shut the fuck up about it. hummmmm Hard Candy is on dvd ? I think? I want to get it. I need to get virgin cds too. And i found my boots. Its ridiculous but fuck finally.
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12. If your relationship was a type of music, what type would it be?

That's like the best interesting relationship question ever.

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WHAT TREE DID YOU FALL FROM?
Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree
Apple Tree (Love) -- quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive, loyal in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, many talents, loves children, needs affectionate partner.

> How does people come up with that stuff? Who decided this?

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If My Life Were A Movie.. These Would Be The Songs:
Opening Credits:
Waking Up:
Average Day: The world at large- Modest Mouse
Best Friend: Hand in glove- The smiths
Falling in Love: Le grand secret- Indochine
Being in Love: Chariot rises- Lizzie West
Breakup:
Heartbreak: i remember- Damien Rice
Reconciliation: Milk-Garbage
Fight with Friend: there's no I in team- Taking back Sunday
Fight at Home: No surprises- Radiohead
Mental Breakdown: Climbing up the walls- Radiohead
Driving: American Life- Madonna
Deep Thought:
Life's Okay:
Party:
Regret: Desert Garden- Vast
Falling Asleep:
Transitional:
Happy Dance Sequence:
Long Night Alone:
Epic Triumph:
Death:
Closing Credits:

I need to think about these. And fill this up.

She, subtly doped on her prescription, time-travels trhough the terrain of her unconscious until she overcome by sleep.(...) She is aware of every incoming sensation that glances obliquely against her fragile core.

I found a picture of me and my dad. I was maybe 3 on a little bike, my dad is kneely next to me trying to feel a squeerel. My facial expression is 'im tired, we go home urgh urgh'. It's maybe the most amazing picture i found of me and my dad. We're still the exact person together. Im still next to him, and he's still trying to feed ever fucking squeerels. The only things that changed is that i wasn't afraid to not look happy in pictures. Every pictures after the early childhoods years are smiles plastered on my face. I have one of myself in the hospital, and im smiling. Moments, i felt like i had rocks trowned at me, invisible ropes dragging me...and theres the camera and the click and smile.

This picture, im 3. Theres the most gently dad ever sitting next to me trying to feed a little animal. Im pissed. And it shows on my face. How innocent and true. I love it. He's the same dad now, and every day when he asks me 'how are you Audrey', i answer 'im feeling good'. I don't want to protect myself. I want to protect him and my mom. Never want to see pure fear in their eyes ever again. I need to be alright for them. I wish i could cry in from of them when i feel like im being drowned inside my own body. I wish they knew how horrible i feel sometimes. I wish they could cuddle me not because im good but because they want to cure the pain. I wish they could face the pain. That im not happy anymore and that it takes more than a few months to get over it.

Pain is such a secretive thing. It's so taboo. It shouldn't be between loved ones. Id love my loved ones to tell me about their fear, their personal tragedies, who hurt them and how, that they cried and wished for better days. Nothing is prettier than hold someone and comfort them.Everytime i do this, it takes a little bit of my pain away.

**

Things are ok right now. School is fine. Boyfriend is my lovestoned love. Im still a fat-ass, it's ok, i cant do this overnight. The leaves are turning into reds and yellows and oranges. It's beautiful.

**

Rest in peace Steve Irwin / I watched your funerals last night. I cried. But im sure youre up there , and free.

Promise me walls

*
her blooms dit :
do you wanna have a coffe and cuddle?
At the end of the world dit :
Both me Beauty, I wanna drink, and I wanna rub along

I call him my lover
Because i love him
And i don't feel good today
Because i hurt him

I cannot be burned
Im no witch
Cannot be erased
Im no word

But i'll make my bed again
Not to die in it
Because i want to sleep in
With him
-
Sometimes i have no shame

This is good. This is lame. This is urgh urgh but i actually feel releived that im doing a list. The 'buy' thing part is no problem. But the 'do' part is harder. School. weight.hair. Humm ahjhdjkd oui.

Things i need to buy:

• a good pair of leather boots
• dark grey jeans
• turklenecks, many, like thousands
• moisturizerr
• stuff like cds, books, dvds, hello kitty stuff, simple things but things that adds sparks to my brain

Things i need to do:

• get my hair done
• be an active student, even if im not register in the right department- oops
• walk more
• eat salads at restaurants or eat the half
• exercice
• loose weight again

Suri is ridiculously good looking. I love babies.

Rufus Wainwright and The Smiths are basically the only two thing i can listen to in early september, or more like the first week of school. They both agree that life is both extremly boring and too fucking violent for the human heart. It takes the whole life of me to wake up and get out of my house and then i breathe and breathe and breathe and eventually it slows down till it feels so heavy in my brain that i just want to lay on the ground and be buried with a million of blankets.

Its ok, im ok. Life is ok. Im just overwhelmed *spelling?- im french* by everything alive. Too much happiness, conversations, questions, proofs to make, to show that im walking straight, that im productive, that being here is a wonderfull opportunity to make contacts with important people...that i have goals...that im moving forward.

Life is tragic. Why can't we just openly talk about it? Why are people so positive, why do we always try to fix problems- when we can't even talk about our problems. I mean im not being overdramatic here, i love so many things in this life that theres no way i could leave it behind and just die. Theres little moment of thousand lights that are worth gallon of tears and shitty feelings. Rainbows, cats, chocolate, music, pictures moving aka movies, David Bowie, Fiona Apple, sunglasses, coffe, holding hands and cuddlings and shivers and everything i can think about.

Cela fatigue tellement.