we have two hundred couches where you can sleep tight

I've been tired for 3 years and a half. You ask me how am i and i want to tell you all that im tired, so tired. I've been waiting to find the right time to hibernate but i found out that im not an animal living in the wildness but a simple human being living in a capitalism society. I thought these two entities were the same kind. Oh how i wish to sleep through life.

Yes it must be the easy way out . But im not strong and never been prepared for all this to happen.

the ones i love, the things i love, captured my whole soul

and makes me put on my mask when i wake up

and i don't go into hibernation, a dear lovely coma sleep

because i cant do that to them, to this.

On a lighter note, my friend with all seriousness sent to her bf a Britney Spears Ballad, describing her love for him. Well im sure her love is very deep indead.

Reading the private diaries of Sylvia Plath make me beleive even more that if you don't have a plan B in life than you,re better off dead. Of course, only if you had this thought in your head since forever in your head. The monotomy of life, how only the wake up-go to work-get money-spend money- fall asleep circle -is the only circle that works. I refuse to live a mediocre life, i just won't.

So let's hope it all works out for me, if it doesn't, well i'll take a bow.
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On a lighter note, THE NEW BATMAN FTW OMFG BELEIVE THE HYPE. Maggie<3! Micheal Caine<3!, Sexy Gordon<3!, Sexy Joker<33! Even Sexy Batman with his perfect teeth!
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It's rainning in Montreal, big buckets of rain, twice a day (almost). I whine a lot about the rain, but secretly i love it. Its like the weather follows my daily moods of depressedabouttodie to ohhhbookscofedvdsbf-so lovely to be alive!

oh well

ok seriously, i don't know how or why or im sure theres no explanation that i can really point at, but i am so in love with my bf. I've never been in love that long with someone and sadly i dont think i was that much in love with my past bfs anyways. You know what suck? Im going to be terribly heartbroken if we break up. With my last bf, i broke up with him because he was basically an asshole (who made me laugh a lot but thats not enough.) Then the one before, i was surely attracted by the romantic junkie lifestyle, and maybe i wanted to fix him. But damn, he was still a junkie. etc etc. With this one, his only fault is too be perfect, and oh so lovely and sweet to me. He's just...he's such a beautiful and talented and educated and funny and silly and smart. He's just pure magic to me.
So anyways, wow i love boy so much

I can't stop listening to Chet Baker's 'My funny Valentine'.

It is the pretty.

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck, im feeling better. Must be moods, or meds or both. It's 2:34 am and its one of my favorite times. So things are good.

Im feeling middly depressed. And im pretty sure i was feeling the exact same way last year at this very moment. I know a huge part of this is because my bf gave me awesome gifts. I know it's crazy, but i just don't know how to handle it. Im glad that my friends fixed my bday date in late july- i would try to kill myself for sure with one more wonderful gift. I swear people, i feel better when people don't bother things with me, i like not being noticed, i like to stare and observe and i never feel that a THANK YOU is enough.

But i do really feel depressed. I don't have a job right now, and although i have money in the banks, i feel i need to strangle myself to keep me away from spending money. It's weird and bad. And stupid things makes me mad and sad like not being able to re-read all my books at the same time, or not watching all my dvds, or not reading every erything on the internet. Not knowning every little possible things and explainationg is really really depressing to me. Must be some kind of OCD to this.

I feel like a real bitch to talk about this to people that are close to me. Personally, i get worried if a friend tells me that she-he is depressed. I get all, well LET'S CHANGE THE WORLD TOGETHER OR LET'S DIE TOGETHER. But my reasons are almost offensive, it's like yes youre being wonderful to me, but at the end of the day i feel like shit cos youre too good to me! I don't expect them to beat me up just to make me feel better.

It's very odd though, because my ideal life for me has always been the kind of my mom had. Have money to spend without having job. Of course she took care of kids. But in my mind, she had total freedom over her expense. I realize that i can't physically ever do that, unless i win the fucking lotery because accepting money or gifts makes me feel worthless. HOW FUCKING INSANE AM I.

Anyways, im at my grandmother's house and its LOVELY. Its the exact decoration, everything is the same as always, it's so sweet. And oh i miss my grandfather. He was so awesome. Even the smell...it smells like my memories. This place is a fucking time bubble.

i could go on, serious things are wrong with me