June is almost at my door. Id like the time to stand still for a little more because knowing that i still have time to do something with my time this summer is the one thing that important. But it won't stand still and may is already over. I was a nurse for almost 3 weeks...then i got sick a little...not really fun or good or excellent month. So i read a lot and got new dvds.

Books are truely ma raison d'être. I feel totally comfortable with then because they dont see me, they cant hear me. I can't let them down or be not pretty enough.

They're just books.

And people are books to me, infinity of personal history. Like with my bf i feel like he's a book that let me read his story sometimes. And even when hes closed off, i still get to read his eyes and the way his hands moves, the way he talks etc. And im in love with him so i want to know more, always

But yeah, i had some good day- where it seems like my world was a little piece of paradise. So im mostly ok. My perceptions of things are the same which can be rather gloomy. And theres still time, time to feel at peace in my skin. Some day maybe. Time to just enjoy this real freedom that i have, but that feels sometimes more like a prison, a prison made of guesses, and questions, and a future to build.

And im anxious, and lazy and i can't see myself in 2009 , neither in 2010 or etc. I don't want to be sad all my life. If i live i want to taste, get a little bit of happyness. And i don't know if i will.

and im too scared to think think think.

SO FUCK IT.

So im just going to read more books and see more films.

i feel like all the galaxies will crash on me
soon or sooner
someday someday
when's the end of me
i dont like surprises
but its alright
ive got my books
ive got some friends
and i love him
HIM, inside and out
yummy and delicious
id like to devour him
but really id like to
lay besides him
and sleep
then i'll be ready for them
for my last breath

Afegh finally finally finally i saw Fur with Nicole Kidman. I can't say i loved it. But it's like it left a taste in my mouth and this showed it made an impression on me. I think what i disliked the most about it is how we don't really get the true sense of Diane Arbus. I got impressions, which are obvious to get but nothing more. And Nicole Kidman's acting is pretty much a Birth-part-2.

All the loveliness of the movie comes from Robert Downey Jr's caracter.

And the last 30 min. Where the sex happens. Not because of the sex but because of how we sense he waited for a person like her all his life.

"Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats."

She makes me happy, i dont know why. I just feel like im releived to be alive just so i can see her evolved into different forms of herlself.

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I keep having questions popping in my head about life. And how or why we're happy. And what do we need in order to make life bearable. And what kind of relationships do we really need with other people when we live in a technical world were all things digital and on a screen are able to fill the void.

And i have a lot of questions about the sexes. What's in the head of a man, and what am i supposed to have in my head as a woman. What's our purpose, is it genetic, is it about education.

anyways, i love good books.

why

why

why

why

why?

RIP Isabella Blow. Im going to miss her.

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i don't feel like my thought are appropriate for my age. I i think that everything is so useless and so far gone like im some kind of old woman, at the same time i get really excited and happy for moments by little nothings just like a child.

i always feel like im drifing away. or that im more like living in my own virtual-real world.

its confusing, i need to watch more movies....

I got 2 grades so far: A- and A.

This is great and i almost feel like i may be more than a total idiot. But at the same time, all i can remember is how every seconds on working or studying felt like torture to me. How after every line i wrote, i felt like crying because i thought it was SHIT and worthless. I seriously miss the time when i would barely study, get a B- and be completly happy about it.

In psychology, i think they would say that im scared of succes. Unconsciously of course.

Consciously im more afraid of not successing AT ALL. I can see having a diploma-sure. But i just can't even imagine finding a good job. Like a regular 'for normal adult' job.

The feeling of not feeling anything really good about my grades or my work is just this weird and uncomfortable sentiment.

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Im fascinated by Norah Jones's new video. It's called 'we're sinking now' or whatever its called. And wow i can't stop watching it over and over again. Another video i love is The killer's 'read my mind'. It's just a really pretty and a little wacky random video. It's lovely. I love lovely videos, they make me enjoy tv for 5 minutes.

And im so behind in the buying cds area. Fuckfuckfuck, theres NIN already out and Rufus Waintright is out soon and Tori Amos and fuck..who else...modest mouse!. ahajkhjss damnit.

Ok there's the universe and the world. We come into the world with one life. And we're alone. Well we have family, the close family that we can count on. Sorta. For most of us, we have at least our mother or father, or both, and a sister or brother. This is like our safety net. We can feel we have nothing in common with them, we can fight them, takes breaks from them. But theres this biological bond that makes it youre not totally alone. The DNA, the blood, the feeling that even though youre nothing alike theyre going to be there, always in your life. And that's ok. It's not scary, there's no questioning in this. Oh does my sister loves me? Does my mom thinks its ok that i act like this? Maybe maybe but its doesnt change the core thing. Yeah maybe i dislike my brother but someone hurt him i will hunt them cos I love him and his my brother.

Do i make sense?

The thing is there's people including me who accept the fact that besides family we are alone. Internally, my heart, my brain, my skin- no one knows how it feels and no matter how cleaver or smart or sensitive no one is going to know. That's tragic in a way. But it's how it is. I have memories and perception and what i smell and what i touch makes me feel things no one will feel the same.

So i love someone. My boyfriend. Boyfriend is a silly word, but it's a cute word. So i use it. How tragic is to feel unworthy of his love. Because i can love him and that's ok. But him to love me back is scary. Does he really thinks he loves me? Why anyways? Cos im nice, wtf what im nice? Thats it? Ok there's more. But it all seems so silly. I feel like me loving him is like 2+2=4. It's logical because i seem to wanna write his name across the sky. And i question things and im like yeah ok no he doesnt love me and fuck it i dont mind. And then i feel like he does really care about me and im like oh no why? And that makes me scare. Its the feeling of an outside thing that comes really close to your own inner thing. And as humans, we are all about protecting ourselves cos that's what we know all our lives. Me me me. Me is the only person that stucked with me. Im the only one who went through things, i was the only one who made it through the change. So why does he loves me? Why do i love him? Why did i asked for his number? Why did i fucked my total content lonely self?

He gave me flowers.
And that makes me wanna cry.
So it's very simple and that makes it the most complicated thing ever.
I love him and i feel im not enough because he loves me.
But i love him.

Im really enjoying reading Buffy's season 8. It's deliscious. Season 6 et 7 where really dark and sometime hard to swallow, especially season 7 where it lacked the real 'doomed' of what made seaon 6 worked. On comics, it's back to being light and fun. Which is weird but really cool. It's a really nice plus to have that little comic every month. Also since its Joss Whedon, im reading 'The runaways'- which shockingly i love too. And now that i actually understand what's going on in the story, my level of excitement just went up even more.

books > the world

rescue me
im scared

"Are you a spider,

who's spun a web of cunning and deceit

and now waits patiently for his prey to come to him;

or are you a deer,

frozen by the light of a hunter's flame,

as disaster comes toward you?"

This book is already fucking with my mind. It's amazingzingzing. I sorta thing that time is dead. It's just like a whole pattern without direction and it moves and the moment it's over, well it's done and dead and there's no coming back. So time for me is memory. And we remember everything, when the brain doesn't want to remember then it must be the body and when it's not the body then it must be the heart. When all three are hit, the brain, the body and the heart, then the memory becomes bigger than time itself.

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Im not even confused by what i just said. Wow?