Its all so sugarless

2009-08-04T13:22:00.000-07:00

'How does one love so much blankness?'

So far 2009 has been the best litteracy year since forever.

I thank you, you pretty books of mine.

2009-07-27T20:33:00.000-07:00

'C'est quand on ne peut plus le faire que cela devient dangereux. Alors les émotions s'accumulent à l'intérieur du corps et se durcissent. Toutes sortes de sentiments se figent et meurent à l'intérieur du corps. Et c'est terrible.'

2009-04-06T15:55:00.000-07:00

Elizabeth Bennet: I couldn't sleep.
Mr. Darcy: Nor I. My aunt--Elizabeth Bennet: Yes, she was here.Mr. Darcy: How can I ever make amends for such behiavor?
Elizabeth: After what you have done for Lydia, and I suspect for Jane also, it is I who should be making amends.
Mr. Darcy: You must know, surely you must know, it was all for you. You are to generous to trifle with me. I believe you spoke with my aunt last night and it has taught me to hope as i had scarcly allowed myself before. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings had changed, I would have to tell you, you have bewitched me body and soul and I
love...I love... I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.
Elizabeth Bennet: Well then... [takes Mr. Darcy's hands and kisses them] Your hands are cold.
Mr. Darcy: [nods]

2009-03-18T17:55:00.000-07:00

This is the book im reading right now, and it's everything i ever wanted to feel while reading a book. It's so good and delicious that i want to live inside it. The perfection of this book makes me see all the imperfections, flaws and wrongs of myself, my life, my body, my thoughts. Suddenly im terribly depressed and the only thing that makes me feel anything good is this book.

It's evil.

But it's oh so good. Probably the best book i'll read in 2009.
<3

And although it seems so silly to say this out of no where. But rip Natasha Richardson.

2009-02-19T21:06:00.000-08:00

Oh how dreams are weird. Two nights ago i had a dream about fucking with Kevin Spacey and it was so good. That was a quality dream, with a real plot. Kinda like a soft porn movie but with hardcore fucking. I used to daydream and be in love with him when The negociator came out. I thought he was the dreamiest-most-perfect-man ever. So this was really lovely.

Then last night i dreamed that i was raped multiple times. Also there was a real plot. And in it, i wouldnt tell anyone who it was, but only giving hints, while still being around the man. Then at the very end of it, i was telling everyone who it was and what happened, and nobody would beleive me.

So yeah, overall very shocking.

2009-02-15T12:08:00.001-08:00

I just realized that the last time i wrote here was hours before i got sick. So sick i had things coming out of my body in 3 different holes at the very same time. And then i did the hospital thing and everything got better...-NOT.

So i got a job! A steady job! It's not with babies and doesnt involved changing diapers, and thats fucking too bad because i miss it. Im just tired...school is kicking my ass, work is kicking my ass, im kicking my own ass too. My doctor decided to reduced the amount of sleeping medication i take- which makes me go to bed at 3 am.... I can't see my boyfriend because he works, and i work, and i go to class.

Classes...now i realized that im stuck with the same people. Because its a program, i will see the very same people for another 10 months....which fucking sucks. Because... because...theres some people that are basically tracking my moves in class. Oh she's late! Oh she's didnt come to class- again! Oh what a needy bitch! She's always tired! Well well well whatever. I dont know if its because im too nice or because i usually dont care about other people but FUCK ME, i don't care if people come to class, if they're late, if they email teachers etc etc. It's college, you pay and everything else is your own business. URGH.

Anyways, i think some people are retarded.

2009-01-03T07:42:00.000-08:00

It's almost terrible how reading about something interesting makes me happy to be alive in this world. I want to be surrended by books and magazines and internets and pretty useless things that are lovely to look at. I want to have cats and take care of them as they would take care of me. I want to have a job that doesnt kill my spirit and earns me money. I want to have more money so i can buy all these material things that are not-so-material at the end. I want to gain independance, slowly but surely from my parents. Cos one day i want to have my own place where i'll put my own things, all these lovely things to look at. I want to take care of my insides so that my outside looks better so that i love better my bf. I don't want to change the world, i just want my world to be better. This is a good feeling, im trying, im hoping. My personal doom mixed with hope.

2008-12-31T01:15:00.000-08:00

i can't sleep

my head is buzzing

2008-12-29T20:54:00.000-08:00

I've noticed that my friends are putting 2008's lists. What was good, what was bad, what was terribleee. And theyre making more list for 2009. What they want, what they hope, what they need.

I thought about this for 3 minutes, because ive been doing everything in the last few days to no thing about this at all.

All i can say is that 2008 was the first year in over 5 years where i had not one single session with my therapist. 2008 was the year where i lost my dearest most precious job and face financial insecurities on my own. That was so hard, mentally it is so hard. 2008 was the year where i studied something that is going to get me a real job. That was good.

5 months were a blur with working and studying and not seeing my bf a lot. I remember 3 months of hardcore study for my homosexuality paper. I remember a lot of rain...i remember mini breakdowns. But i remember some good times too.

It was a year of transition i guess.

For 2009...i wish myself good grades. I want to kick serious ass at school. I wanna keep working for Renaud-Bray cos i like it and i like the 30% off. I want to breathe better, i want to stop having this sick feeling in my stomach i get so many times. And i dont want to be scared anymore. Cos im still am all the time.

2008-12-28T21:53:00.000-08:00

The best of 2008<3

Movies
Burn after reading; Mama mia!; The bank Job; Iron Man; Wanted; Happy go lucky; Vicky Cristina Barcelona; WALL-E; The Dark Knight; Doubt; The reader; Twilight

Television
OZ; Dexter; Top Chef; Project runaway; Damages; Mad Men; My so-called life; Witch Hunter Robin

Books
The post-birthday world by Lionel Shriver; The unabridged journals of Sylvia Plath; The absitence teacher by Tom Perrotta; Blindness by Jose Saramago; Queen of fashion by Caroline Werber; Twilight by Stephanie Meyer; A song of ice and fire saga by George R.R. Martin

Comics
Kabuki; Fables

Music
Santogold; Goldfrapp; Kings of Leon; Wilco; Queen; Rufus Wainwright; Mylene Farmer; David Bowie; Les Chansons d'amours soundtrack; Sia, Radiohead, Kayne West; Dido; Radiohead; Lady Gaga; Katy Perry, Wolfsheim, Muse

People
Tim Gunn; Freddy Mercury; Robert Pattisson; Nicole Kidman; Claire Danes; Michelle Obama, The new president of the United-States; Karl Lagerfeld; Vanessa Paradis; Brian Molko; Philip SH.; Girls Aloud; Tina Fey; Robert Downey Jr

2008-11-28T20:40:00.000-08:00

I saw twilight for free on the internets. And i must say i was surprised because it didnt sucked.

Yes it's still cheesy but that's really the beauty of the book. They really toned down the 'fanfiction' side of Twilight. And they took actors who are not 'plastic beauties'. The vampire guy, can look almost ugly from a certain angle, and the girl can look like a lesbian but still they are both gorgeous to look at. Because let's face it, this movie is all apparences. It's not deep, it's not remotly close to our reality. There's no hidden messages.

It's only about a really really good looking young, vergetarian and virgin vampire. A virgin because he still beleives likes he's in the late 1800s. Veggie, cos he doesnt want to be a monster, so he only drinks animal blood. And get this: he fucking glitters and sparkles when its sunny.

So its laughable, but the movie somehow made it work.

i give Twilight: B

2008-11-15T08:56:00.000-08:00

Bah, im tired.
But im making money. Not a lot but just enough to consummate material things again.
Im listening to Michelle Obama right now, and i love her. She's so articulate and awesome and Obama gets to f*** her like everynight. This is lovely.

One month worth of school to go and this semester is over. I never had that many A+ so it's going well. I also had a C-. That i never had in my entire university life.

For Christmas, i want Marie-Antoinette, Karl Lagerfeld, Madonna, a kitty, hello kitty and dvds. That's my list.

2008-11-04T15:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Americans,

Don't let the world down, don't let ignorance, hate and religion win again.

Vote Obama-Biden. Please.

pretty please.

Audrey

2008-10-23T16:44:00.000-07:00

Morrissey is planning to begin work on his autobiography, he has revealed.

(...)

During the interview Morrissey was also drawn to comment on new album "Year of Refusal"."It's fantastically strong. It's very, very strong and it's interesting for me after all these years, but it's the strongest," he said.The new album is expected to arrive in February 2009.

YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES

I love you Steven Patrick Morrissey <3

2008-10-21T15:40:00.000-07:00

I am so excited for this one. My love for Vanessa Paradis came out of nowhere but i can't help finding her pictures flawless. She's just so fascinating.

Hum i haven't updated a lot...i guess it's because of school which is ok. Today though was really gorgeous, with this really dark grey sky and light rain. And for the first time in forever i didnt felt the need to suppress the outside noise with headphones. The sound of today was perfect. Almost symetric, i know this sound like bullshit but everything about today was fine. It was far from perfect and happy but it was just flowing without stressed or worries or little red lights back in the head. Lovely feeling to feel ok and at peace for once.

btw OBAMA-BIDEN 08 !!!<3!!!

I can't help it. but the McCain/Palin ticket is aware that they simply cannot win in terms of policy so have resorted to a campaign of fear and racism, planting seeds of hate in some very fertile ignorant American minds. Words like "terrorist," "Muslim," and "Communist" are thrown around without warrant in an attempt to paint Obama as someone who cannot be trusted, which is not a very difficult thing for some Americans considering America's racial history.

AND Sarah Palin thinks that dinosaurs and humans coexisted.

Republicans annoys me beyond words. And i can't to feel sad for that guy i know who pretty innocently told me that he had no idea who was Palin, Joe Biden, Obama etc. We live in a world where theres internet and you dont know whos for running for presidency in the USA?

Republicans annoys me, closed minded people annoys me. Urgh. But theres Vanessa Paradis who brings back the pretty so i guess things will be fine.

2008-10-15T11:02:00.000-07:00

Madonna and Guy Richie are getting a divorce!!!

Why am i even updating because of this...???

Im pretty lame, but this can only remind me that i never saw her live. And that i must see her next time she tours. She's 50 now...hopefully she'll keep touring till she's 60.

2008-10-06T22:33:00.000-07:00

bombs are louder than words

2008-09-27T19:48:00.000-07:00

I watched some of the presidential debate. If the republicans wins...i can't even bring myself to think about it. I want to understand though, i want valid answers: how can someone approve of McCain and Palin. How can someone can take seriously McCain after nominating Palin. How how who what?

I live in Canada, the USA are right under me, and it may scares me very soon.

2008-09-20T18:07:00.000-07:00

lol @ at my pictures choices.

I did my best Young Black Independant woman act last night and stopped working after an hour at my new job. It was a joke; the people were creepy, odd and desesperate. Which im not. I refuse to give a part of my spirit for 9 $ an hour. I prefer to be broke and go to my classes and study to get a job were i won't feel like a prostitute selling souls on the phone.

Next time you get a phone call in the middle of your dinner, you tell that person to fuck off. Im serious.

I suddenly feel very inspired for school. School is awesome. Don't drop out kids!

I think the new Kings Of Leon cd is the best cd of the year so far. Far far behind is Madonna's Hard Candy. Fuck im still listening to same stuff as i was listening in 2007.

Anyways yay!

2008-09-18T21:02:00.000-07:00

Saying no to a guy who asks you out, makes you feel terrible.
Just terrible. Like i cut off his arm or something.
I wish the male population would never tried to ask me out.
Always, let me do the asking out part. I found out that even though im shy, stressed out, scared, afraid of rejection. I will do it if you interest me. I did it for my last two bfs. And the last one, i hit the absolute jackpot.

Everybody else, go away.

2008-09-11T19:59:00.000-07:00

omg today someone told me that i looked like a semi-autistic musical kind of girl.

hahahahaa omg im still laughing

this is awesome this is so awesome

and i know im not normal to be happy about being called semi-autistic BUT it describe my personal bubble so well.

bahahaha <3

2008-08-26T21:20:00.000-07:00

Je m'ennuis de mon ours . :(

2008-08-18T06:10:00.000-07:00

La mer c'est la même tout le temps

Avec le même vent

J'dis ça, j'suis pas le marin, j'suis pas le vent

Je connais des poissons contents

Ils ont l'air content

Mais qu'est-ce que j'pourrais bien faire dedans

Toutes ces choses qui m'viennent

Toutes ces choses qui m'quittent

Ces choses qui m'reviennent

Ces choses qui m're-quittent

Faudrait qu'ça m'revienne avant qu'ça m'passe vite

Junior Suite

L'amour, on compare ça souvent à un océan

J'dis ça, j'suis pas le bateau, j'suis pas d'dans

J'ai quelques amis navigants

Ils sont navigants

Moi j'ai déjà tellement d'eau qui fout le camp

Toutes ces choses qui m'viennent

Toutes ces choses qui m'quittent

Ces choses qui m'reviennent

Ces choses qui m're-quittent

Faudrait qu'ça m'reprenne avant qu'ça m'passe vite

Junior Suite

2008-08-15T21:33:00.000-07:00

V for vendetta is such a romantic movie <3

2008-08-10T11:37:00.000-07:00

Im doing much much better. For all you folks that feel a little on the cuckkoo side sometimes, i think the best thing for you (and for me as well) is to have several conversations with someone who's truely out of his-her mind. Someone who took too many drugs in this life to see the difference between black and white.

Of course, don't do this just for the fun of it, cos it's not fun. It's rather sad and pathetic and scary but after a moment you feel this sanity bliss going through your whole mind and body and soul.

And then you feel rather proud of yourself cosyou could have end up like this person. Insanity is never far away from us, in a blink of a second you can turn your life upside down. But you made it, you're after all- pretty normal.

I put a Morrissey icon just cos he's pretty. And this blog needs more pretty. I love Morrissey, i think my next blog entry should be about my love for Morrissey.

Indeed.

2008-08-08T19:38:00.000-07:00

I watch some of the opening ceremony of the summer games- i couldn't stop crying. I was like oh its allergies! How can i explain to them how sad i am right now. So sad that tears comes out at any given time, like...the opening ceremony! My head hurts, i just want to hide under my bed or even better, in it.

Going out today was painful, lifting my toothbrush was painful. Soon i'll be back at school and working at some random part-time job and it will be painful. So how can i make myself feel things less painfully? Because i swear sometimes- even though it sounds out-of-thid-world-silly, This life: IT'S TOO HARD, too bright, too dark, too gray, too rough, too slow, too quick, too cold, too loud, too complicated, too retarded, too doubleside, too mean, too nice, too everything.

Not enough money, too fat, too stupid, not artistic, not fucking trilanguale, not gay enough, too straight, too helpless, etc etc etc etc etc etc.

List: 5 things i like

Sylvia Plath's private journals (depression! hate her mother! wants to fuck around like men! impeccable talent!)
Tim Gunn in Project Runaway (DESIGNERZZ, how adorable is he? i want to hug him and pet him and make him my favorite uncle)
V-necks on men (epic!)
Oz's final season (EPICCC!!!)
Vogue Paris ( worth the 11$ spent each month on it)

2008-08-04T12:54:00.000-07:00

i.want.one.

2008-07-29T20:19:00.000-07:00

we have two hundred couches where you can sleep tight

I've been tired for 3 years and a half. You ask me how am i and i want to tell you all that im tired, so tired. I've been waiting to find the right time to hibernate but i found out that im not an animal living in the wildness but a simple human being living in a capitalism society. I thought these two entities were the same kind. Oh how i wish to sleep through life.

Yes it must be the easy way out . But im not strong and never been prepared for all this to happen.

the ones i love, the things i love, captured my whole soul

and makes me put on my mask when i wake up

and i don't go into hibernation, a dear lovely coma sleep

because i cant do that to them, to this.

On a lighter note, my friend with all seriousness sent to her bf a Britney Spears Ballad, describing her love for him. Well im sure her love is very deep indead.

2008-07-28T11:05:00.000-07:00

Reading the private diaries of Sylvia Plath make me beleive even more that if you don't have a plan B in life than you,re better off dead. Of course, only if you had this thought in your head since forever in your head. The monotomy of life, how only the wake up-go to work-get money-spend money- fall asleep circle -is the only circle that works. I refuse to live a mediocre life, i just won't.

So let's hope it all works out for me, if it doesn't, well i'll take a bow.
-
On a lighter note, THE NEW BATMAN FTW OMFG BELEIVE THE HYPE. Maggie<3! Micheal Caine<3!, Sexy Gordon<3!, Sexy Joker<33! Even Sexy Batman with his perfect teeth!
-

It's rainning in Montreal, big buckets of rain, twice a day (almost). I whine a lot about the rain, but secretly i love it. Its like the weather follows my daily moods of depressedabouttodie to ohhhbookscofedvdsbf-so lovely to be alive!

oh well

2008-07-19T23:49:00.000-07:00

ok seriously, i don't know how or why or im sure theres no explanation that i can really point at, but i am so in love with my bf. I've never been in love that long with someone and sadly i dont think i was that much in love with my past bfs anyways. You know what suck? Im going to be terribly heartbroken if we break up. With my last bf, i broke up with him because he was basically an asshole (who made me laugh a lot but thats not enough.) Then the one before, i was surely attracted by the romantic junkie lifestyle, and maybe i wanted to fix him. But damn, he was still a junkie. etc etc. With this one, his only fault is too be perfect, and oh so lovely and sweet to me. He's just...he's such a beautiful and talented and educated and funny and silly and smart. He's just pure magic to me.
So anyways, wow i love boy so much

2008-07-18T11:28:00.000-07:00

I can't stop listening to Chet Baker's 'My funny Valentine'.

It is the pretty.

2008-07-04T23:33:00.000-07:00

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck, im feeling better. Must be moods, or meds or both. It's 2:34 am and its one of my favorite times. So things are good.

2008-07-02T19:28:00.000-07:00

Im feeling middly depressed. And im pretty sure i was feeling the exact same way last year at this very moment. I know a huge part of this is because my bf gave me awesome gifts. I know it's crazy, but i just don't know how to handle it. Im glad that my friends fixed my bday date in late july- i would try to kill myself for sure with one more wonderful gift. I swear people, i feel better when people don't bother things with me, i like not being noticed, i like to stare and observe and i never feel that a THANK YOU is enough.

But i do really feel depressed. I don't have a job right now, and although i have money in the banks, i feel i need to strangle myself to keep me away from spending money. It's weird and bad. And stupid things makes me mad and sad like not being able to re-read all my books at the same time, or not watching all my dvds, or not reading every erything on the internet. Not knowning every little possible things and explainationg is really really depressing to me. Must be some kind of OCD to this.

I feel like a real bitch to talk about this to people that are close to me. Personally, i get worried if a friend tells me that she-he is depressed. I get all, well LET'S CHANGE THE WORLD TOGETHER OR LET'S DIE TOGETHER. But my reasons are almost offensive, it's like yes youre being wonderful to me, but at the end of the day i feel like shit cos youre too good to me! I don't expect them to beat me up just to make me feel better.

It's very odd though, because my ideal life for me has always been the kind of my mom had. Have money to spend without having job. Of course she took care of kids. But in my mind, she had total freedom over her expense. I realize that i can't physically ever do that, unless i win the fucking lotery because accepting money or gifts makes me feel worthless. HOW FUCKING INSANE AM I.

Anyways, im at my grandmother's house and its LOVELY. Its the exact decoration, everything is the same as always, it's so sweet. And oh i miss my grandfather. He was so awesome. Even the smell...it smells like my memories. This place is a fucking time bubble.

i could go on, serious things are wrong with me

2008-06-30T11:37:00.000-07:00

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/06/080628205430.htm

« Homosexual behaviour is largely shaped by genetics and random environmental factors, according to findings from the world's largest study of twins.»
...
«"This study puts cold water on any concerns that we are looking for a single 'gay gene' or a single environmental variable which could be used to 'select out' homosexuality - the factors which influence sexual orientation are complex. And we are not simply talking about homosexuality here - heterosexual behaviour is also influenced by a mixture of genetic and environmental
factors.»
...
«Rahman explains: "Overall, genetics accounted for around 35 per cent of the differences between men in homosexual behaviour and other individual-specific environmental factors (that is, not societal attitudes, family or parenting which are shared by twins) accounted for around 64 per cent. In other words, men become gay or straight because of different developmental pathways, not just one pathway." For women, genetics explained roughly 18 per cent of the variation in same-sex behaviour, non-shared environment roughly 64 per cent and
shared factors, or the family environment, explained 16 per cent. The
study shows that genetic influences are important but modest, and that non-shared environmental factors, which may include factors operating during foetal development, dominate. Importantly, heredity had roughly the same influence as shared environmental factors in women, whereas the latter had no impact on sexual behaviour in men.»

So interesting. That's basically what i wanted to say in the end of my essay on homosexuality. I don't think we'll ever find the exact explanation because in reality there's none. We can't study everything abiut feelings and emotions and traumas and what makes us tick or not. Our options in sex are never really settled. Something can happen and next thing you know, you feel an attraction that you thought you would never feel before.

And never underestimate the power of homophobia in our sexuality.

2008-06-29T22:47:00.000-07:00

ok Courtney is clearly back on drugs so usually it may take another 3 years for her to get clean again. I don't mind, it's ok- she's Courtney Love. But what happened to the album that everybody spoke about like it was her greastes work yet? 'How dirty girls get clean' i think was the title. It's like the record company only wants her to put out a record when she's clean. Thats bullocks, i dont think she'll ever get completly clean. They should let her release her album, even if she's back to be a total crackhead. I don't care. America's Sweetheart was delicious. And i want more.

On a side note. It was bday a couple days ago. And my boyfriend made it all pretty for me. He's magic. Oh people, you have no idea. He's just beyond amazing. And i love him so and i dont feel like im worth enough for him, and well that drives me crazyyyy.

2008-06-28T15:41:00.000-07:00

For my collection

2008-06-20T23:07:00.000-07:00

Dexter's season 2!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 yes yes yes so so so so good.

So im going to be poor for a few weeks, even maybe a month or 2
so so so so what? you know. fuck it. fuck fuck fuck all of it.

im going to chill and relax and not spent a lot of money and maybe for once, i'll have a real summer vacation.

<3

2008-06-18T11:50:00.000-07:00

I'm desperate

I'm glorious

I'm going down with a vengeance

Hold on to me, hold on tight

And let's just see who gets out alive

Just do it baby'

Cause no one cares

There's not an net

There's no one there

what the fuck have i done to myself?

2008-06-13T21:36:00.000-07:00

stfu haterss! he is pretty <3

I saw randomly one of my way back ex-bf and we chat quickly cos i had to go and go away from him, not that it was bad or awkward but just because i dislike meeting people from my past. Any kind of my past. They are ghost people to me and it just doesnt make sense that ghost people shows up in my reality. So anyways, he told me that it was consistent in my personality. And that was the thing that was great about me. So im still crazy? Or way excited? Or depressed? Or nice? WHAT IS CONSISTENT ABOUT ME?

So i've been thinking about this 'consistent' comment. And i still cant tell if it's a good thing to be that or, or a bad thing. Oh and i wonder if it's true.

Anyways, about shopping. I kinda hate it. People, please let me save some money for the London trip. Please, dont call me, dont ask me to go out, i seriously need to stay in and be a recluse for awhile so i can save some fucking CASH DAMNIT. ARGHHH

2008-06-05T22:05:00.000-07:00

i want you to go under my skin and fix my heart

crack my skull and build a better one

i want you to make me shiny, pure and brand new again
but i must say that you are so sublime

and with you, i live, i live again.

2008-05-22T21:50:00.000-07:00

im almost done with school
almost...
-
i rarely pity someone but when i do, i also feel sad for this person. It's like 'oh you stupid fool' ...*pets*

2008-05-18T00:07:00.000-07:00

Im tired.

and

I want to quit

EVERYTHING

2008-05-13T23:12:00.000-07:00

Run

Running all the time

Running away from the future

2008-05-11T19:55:00.000-07:00

Im looking forward to see this. If it equals the book, it's going to be the most disturbing ever.

Therefore, i cannot say that i enjoyed the book. It was so well written, that i could see the images in my head, smell the odors and feel the air around them.

The horror in this book is so real.

Trailer: http://www.celebritywonder.com/movie/2008_Blindness.html

Anywho, i love how they made the middle-aged average looking couple (in the book) into Mark Ruffalo and Julianne Moore. And i say this both with sarcasm and content-ness. Because i love to see beautiful people in movies. And as i admit this, it makes me sad, cos it's so silly. But oh well.

And for more Julianne Moore: http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/savagegrace/trailer/

2008-05-11T11:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Mommy,

You are lovely.
I've been beginning to understand lately how important you are to me in my life. You're not only my mother, but also, my father's wife, and simply a woman who've been through many ups but also many downs. You are one of the most courageous, strong and yet fragile person i've known.

i've been so eager to please you, to make you proud, to see me as your equal...and im slowly beginning to see that the only thing that you want for me is peace of mind and happiness.

im promise mommy to get better

i love you

2008-05-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

You don't want to hurt me,

But see how deep the bullet lies.

Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.

There is thunder in our hearts, baby

So much hate for the ones we love?

Tell me, we both matter, don't we?

You, *be running up that hill*

You and me, *be running up that hill*

You and me won't be unhappy.

CAN'T STOP LISTENING TO PLACEBO CAN'T STOP CAN'T STOP

argh so lovely

2008-05-03T21:08:00.001-07:00

”Parce qu’une Princesse refuse d’épouser son père.

Parce qu’un âne fait bêtement des crottes d’or.

Parce qu’une rose qui parle vous regarde toujours dans les yeux.

Parce qu’une fée tombe amoureuse et que cela ne se fait pas.

Parce qu’un Prince a su rester charmant.

Parce qu’enfin cette histoire de doigt et d’anneau,

de vous à moi, c’est fort curieux.

Il faut en avoir le coeur net.

c’est pour cela qu’il est indispensable

que Peau d’Ane nous soit conté.”

-Jacques Demy

2008-05-03T16:08:00.000-07:00

GO HABS GO

At least Kovalev should score for Viggo.

2008-05-02T20:49:00.000-07:00

i shall not go crazy

i shall stay calm

calm calm calmness

insane calmness

just calm

no crazy

2008-05-01T10:51:00.000-07:00

U-2 pilots- during the Cuban Missile Crisis in 1962

'Neathly sewn into the seat cushion was a survival kit, which included flares, a machete, fishing gear, a camp stove, an inflatable life raft, mosquito repellent, and a silk banner proclaiming, in a dozen languages, I AM AN AMERICAN.'

That's the kind of details that gives me chills.

2008-04-29T23:05:00.000-07:00

I am nervous. Nervous about myself and how the days goes by and im not doing any real work on my essay. Nervous about money. Nervous about my body. Nervous about people around me.

Sometimes, to pass the time. I look at beautiful people wearing beautiful clothes and loving in a luxiourious kinf of life. Just looking at the photos makes me ...content. In all selfishness, i feel content in my buble while looking at pictures.

The mind is a strange thing.

2008-04-24T22:19:00.000-07:00

This lovely lady is my boyfriend's one-eyed cat. She's lolita. And she just got shaved! She the most tiny and lovely little girl-cat i ever met. I love her so much that i want to marry her. And have her babies.

You know what is also amazing?

i know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's penis's skin. Not all of them, but some are softer than the others. Especially my bf's penis. I could seriously pet his penis for hours, just cos its so fucking SOFT. I'd love a couch made only with penis's skin....so much better than leather.

What is also amazing his the rest of my bf. He's the most perfect thing ever. The nicest, sweetest mysoginist you will ever met. (hehe) Oh i dont want to blahblah about him but hes just amazing.

In my past relationships, i knew from the beginning it wouldn't last. 1) Because i was too young, 2) Im a pessimist, 3) two of them had major issues! But anyways, everytime, i would be like whatever, when we're going to break up im all going to be like fuck him, i need a break, urghh he was stupid etc etc

But in this relationship, see, he could dump me tomorrow for whatever reasons, But i dont think i could hate him, or despite him, i dont think i could loose any respect for him. Im going to be heartbroken and maybe suicidal or just going mental but i won't be angry at him. I don't think i'll ever stop loving him. And whatever happens, i want him to be happy because HE DESERVE it. He's just a good person. And that is so rare now. But right now, he's with me, and after 2 years, im still in shocked he's with me. I still squee , i still sometimes talk outloud to myself and say i love him i love him so much. I still panic when he's not holding my hand.

What you should listen to : Hard Candy- Madonna

What you should read: Blindess by José Saramago

What you should do: get a kitty

2008-04-22T20:35:00.000-07:00

After listening Hard Candy a whole 6 times. I can finaly say a few read-able things about it. It's a good album. How good is another thing. She's not the main producer for this cd and it shows. Tracks like Heartbeat, Give it 2 me and She's not me even though excellent could be sing by any r'n'b youngandhot singers. When she sings 'see me shake my booty', i just can't beleive it's Teh Madonna im listening to.

And then theres the really good and awesome 4 minutes but it has Timbaland and Justin Timberlake all over it. For someone who hates duets she sure takes shitty choices for them. Theres been the one with Britney and before there was the one with Ricky fucking Martin.

Miles Away is her prettiest song since the Music (the cd) area. Spanish Lessons, her crappiest since the Bedtime Stories area.

It sounds bad when i talk about it, but it's really not. This cd is fun and young and very NOW. There's no hint of melancholy or religiouspreachy undertones. Is it the kind of Madonna i love the most? I don't think so but it's a Madonna that is gladly welcome in my headphones.

Haters to da left.

2008-04-20T22:46:00.000-07:00

i must confess that its the first time i remotly find him attractive. He's still fug but
but but but
i love his chest.

im extremely nervous and anxious and stressed out about a lot of things.

-school

-weight

-seeing any kind of my bf's family members

-my parents

-money

-life

-missed-opportunities

-insecurities about my own brain

-everything...yup about everything.

2008-04-18T22:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Louis-Philippe,
Today i met you and im so glad i did. I was with your brother- thats the man who was besides me while i was holding you. Remember now?...the one whos really tall and gorgeous? Yup that's him.
You're only two days old <3 And you probably don't know what's going on around you but im going to tell you one thing: you are loved and cherished.

And everything is going to be ok for you. You have 3 siblings, 2 who are much more older than you so dont worry little one.

You'll have plenty of backups to help you get through life. And you'll have love, lots and lots of love.

Audrey

2008-04-18T03:02:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Audrey.
It's 6:02 am.
And it's been a long sleepless night.
I feel like my head is going to explode in tiny pieces.
It's driving me crazy.

2008-04-17T23:15:00.000-07:00

I don't want to read another word about HOMOSEXUALITY OR BISEXUALITY for at least 24 hours. WHY DID I CHOOSE THIS SUBJECT WHY WHY WHY AM I SO STUPID!

2008-04-14T21:56:00.000-07:00

Imagine the deal, you get lots of tiny dick sticks in one box.

So if you decide to get 3 boxes. Then you have DOZEN of tiny dick sticks!

I think it's freaking B-R-I-L-L-I-A-N-T.

---------

i feel like a loser somtimes, for little things.

My brain is cluttered with stuff from the past. I just want them to go away.
NOW.

2008-04-12T15:29:00.000-07:00

Min Jin Lee, an author that i discovered from a friend of mine wrote this little piece of amazing-ness in the last Vogue magazine. It's amazing because she's talking about her struggle with food, weight and body image. And at one point we clearly get that she's not done with her inner troubles even if she's successfull, in an happy marriage and is looking pretty good. She went from 214 lbs to 135 lbs, back and forth, gaining, starving, purging, loosing weight. But never gaining back her self confidence.

Amazing is not the right word, i know. But i felt somehow releived while reading the article. Sad too. Hopeful too, a little.

I would give so much, i would trade a lot of things, maybe i would give a few years off my life, or i don't know, get really ugly- to just be thin. Crazy how it sounds, i can't find a girl ugly if she's thin.

It's so hard.

----

BUT

I tried indian food for the very first time in my life. And i must say, it's pretty good. They love TEH ONIONS those indians, and i thank them cos ONIONS are teh amazingness.

This entry clearly shows my problems with food. For sure.

2008-04-07T23:01:00.000-07:00

That picture is a winner of cute.

I don't have much to say. I was like a cleaning lady today then i ran away and stalked my bf for about 35 minutes. Then i decide to act my age and go out late.

...

Which i should never do. Because now im tired.

2008-04-06T23:48:00.000-07:00

My boyfriend has the nicest most exquisite amazing beautiful chest. I told him many many times but i wish i had a carpet or even better a blanket made out of his chest. And then i could roll and warm myself and purr of pur joy.

Im not sure why im writing about this, but its 2:51 and i miss him. I miss him. I miss him.

2008-04-05T11:51:00.000-07:00

Me: Dad, go back to your room!!!
My dad: Ok then.
-

Sometimes i feel like im the mother of two kids. Especially my dad.

It's a weird feeling.

2008-04-03T23:27:00.000-07:00

«If you were a river in the mountains tall,

The rumble of your water would be my call.

If you were the winter,

I know I'd be the snow

Just as long as you were with me, let the cold winds blow»

Dear Alexandre

i love you, i love you, i love your inside, your outside, i love everything-you

you make me cry, but its not your fault

i've never loved someone like that before

you're slowly cracking me open

and it's very scary

because then, you'll be able to break me

in *millions* of little peices.

my bear<3>

(plus)

2008-04-01T18:35:00.000-07:00

Step one: Go on youtube.com

Step two: type; 'Goldfrapp-happiness'

Step three: watch their brand new spankin' video

Step four: feel the flow of happy inside you

Seriously, the video is that good. ^

And seriously, how good was today?!!! Yesterday was very blah and i was afraid of my own swing moods ...and i was seriously ready to call my doctor and ask for new medications or something. But today was all so smooth and pretty. I wasn't so afraid today.

2008-03-31T22:20:00.000-07:00

L'un sans l'autre c'est un incendie

2008-03-30T19:15:00.000-07:00

SO SOON SO SOON SO EXCITED YAY YEAH YEAH!!! I need a gay friend who loves Madonna and Mariah and Cher. Someone whos really tramp and kisch and superbe. Like a mix of Karl Lagerfeld and Elton John and Mika and Rufus Wainright. A real gay friend who tells me when im FIERCE OR HOT TRANNY MESS and most of all whos EXCITED ABOUT THE NEW MADONNA CD.

Dear Madonna,

I loved your last album. The first 4 tracks were grandiosses. But but but some songs like the one about some Jewish guy going into the desert for freedom ( i guess) was a bit too much, a bit too cheesy-preachy for me. We, your fans loves your dance tracks. When you sing about dancing, or wanting to go dancing or...spending your night dancing...or just about anything involving how awesome you are at dancing....ITS AWESOME. '4 Minutes to save the world' is pretty damn good. I love it cos its a tiny bit about dancing. I love you. I love you I LOVE YOU.

Audrey

2008-03-27T00:02:00.000-07:00

i need some hope

and maybe a manager

and help

2008-03-23T10:12:00.000-07:00

Random thoughts:

You know your internal body system is a little fucked up when you loose 2 pounds after eating chinese junk food.

SERIOUSLY

2008-03-21T23:00:00.000-07:00

You know, some people find it hard to get dressed.

2008-03-18T19:58:00.000-07:00

Before

Créer des graphiques animés scintillants personnalisés

After

Honestly, Mariah looks pretty amazing on that cover. She's my first favoriest singer. She was so important for me between the age 6 to 12 years old. I havent been really interest in her music since her Butterfly album but this cover is so amazing and not scary i might buy it....or download it.

And i finally heard the new Madonna song. It's meh...but it might grow on me. I still dont understand why shes making music with Timbaland and Justin Timberlake. I loved her Confession on a dancerfloor days. It was perfect for the gays and her usual fanbase. I dont see her as a hiphop flavorish queen. It's too fucking NOW and HIP.

COME ON!

2008-03-17T22:38:00.000-07:00

Micheal Clayton: A

Dan in real life: B+

Be kind rewind: A-

The bank Job: A

Gone bany gone: B

now im ready to seeee more moviesss again again

2008-03-14T23:02:00.000-07:00

So Eliot Spitzer needs his sex so HOT AND WEIRD AND FREAKY that it cost him almost 5000$ an hour. HOTDAMN. And you know what, im fine with that. Cos thats why prostitution exists. The thing the is sooo irriting to me is that he's been preaching and preaching for years about nice christians values and all that crap. I pity his wife ( i hope she's getting lots of $$$ right now for all the humiliation) and i pity his 3 daughters. They just found out that their dad not only cheated on their mom but that maybe it was better that way since THE SEX IS SO FREAKY IT COULD BE LIKE DANGEROUS.

But i don't see why they had to publish the prostitute name, and i dont see why every single details about it should be released to the media. But hey im pretty sure we're now stuck with Alexandra Dupre. I give Playboy a few weeks before giving her an offer. She could also realese a sex tape. That works all the time. And then finally a book about her life, how she struggled the abuse, the drugs, the sex with senators and how music and god saved her.

America, FUCK YEAH!

In other news; i love cookies, i forgot how season 3 of arrested dev. is fucking awesome, i love Lionel Shiver...and DVD series are too expensive :(

AND

I finally read the last issue of Buffy season 8 in comic format. And im waiting on the next issue to really form an opinion on the Buffy-in-bed-with-girl. Because right now, its the most superficial scene ever. She doesn't seem into the girl in question, she doesn't seem to really think about what happened. It's sorta like...« oops, really? ok well it was nice... lets not to it again ever.»It adds absolutly nothing. Im sure the next issue is going to give us clues because theres no way they put Buffy in that situation just for the heck of it- cos that would be a letdown.

oh Buffy<3

2008-03-12T23:56:00.000-07:00

Thank you for giving me chills all day long

But no thank yous because i now want to

see Muse live. And i really sucks at planing to see a live show.

But

Honestly

you are amazing
Especially, Matt- cos YOUWRITETHELYRCIS

2008-03-09T00:01:00.000-08:00

The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonite

«Call me when you try to wake her up. Call me when you try to wake her.Call me when you try to wake her up. Call me when you try to wake her.I can always sleep standing up. Call me when you try to wake her.Call me when you try to wake her up. Call me when you try to wake her.Call me when you try to wake her up. Call me when you try to wake her.I can always sleep standing up. Call me when you try to wake her.Call me when you try to wake her up. Call me when you try to wake her.I can always sleep standing up. Call me when you try to wake her.I can always sleep standing up. Call me when you try to wake her.»

Im sad not to have the entire R.E.M albums collection, because i love that band. They were huge for me in high school and now sometimes the pop up into my mind. They're one of these few bands that i dont think about sex or anything sexual while listening to their songs. I only hear compassion...i feel like they could hug me and whisper in my ear that everythings ok.

Michael Stipe if you want to have a cup of coffe with me and save someone from distress. Call me. WE COULD BE BUDDIES.
-
The last Janet Jackson video is the firts video from her that i like since that ALL FOR YOU video back in the 90's....so like its been 20 years.

Anyways it's called 'Rock with u'. The song is generic pop-r'n'b-dancey-shit but the video is lovely. I dont know why i like it so much...it's so lively and really pretty. It made me sigh a lot today but in a good way.
-

I ran and I ran, I was looking for me

2008-03-03T22:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Alexandre,

I feel helpless in this. Im scared. Someone as beautiful as you should never feel low. Someone as talented as you should never fear for the future. You are so amazing and i always feel like im just not good enough for you. But tonight you promised me that you wouldn't die so im going to try and do what i can to make sure you never forget how you've changed my life and that things are going to be alright for you.

i love you
<3

Audrey

2008-02-29T21:49:00.000-08:00

I seriously don't know how you normal people go to sleep without prescription pills. I mean seriously last night was Day 1 of my no-more-sleeping-pills cos i need a new prescription and my appointment is only next tuesday...so anyways, before having my precious blue pill and way before having any big traumatic events in my life- i had insomnia or a really light sleep or took almost an hour to fall asleep. Where was i? What's the point of this entry anyways, i forgot.

BUT!

To battle my non-pill night i choose to have a dose of Nyquil and a dose of a regular sleeping pill. It knocked me out in 35 minutes and i was so gone. So gone i had to function in a sleepy opium-like haze till 2 pm the next day.

I also had a really distubing and disgusting nightmare involving canibalism!

AND

They have Rihanna's Umbrella at karaokes!!! People almost...had tears rolling down their cheeks while i was singing so gracefully under my umbrella ela ela hey hey under my umbralla ela ela ela hey hey hey oh hey oh.

-
Currently watching Inland Empire. Currently disturbed by it.

2008-02-28T22:42:00.000-08:00

I finally saw 'Margot at the wedding' aka the new Nicole Kidman movie. Such good movie. She's a great actress but she sometimes she just doesnt really fit in certain type of caracter. ( I can't get over how strange in a bad way is her performance in 'Fur').

There's just this one scene in the movie where she cries. I swear, her face doesn't move. Tears roll on her cheeks but there's no lines or wrinkle around her eyes or forehead or face. I hate botox. It's lame but i thought she would be one of the actresses that would age gracefully and take on more mature roles like i dont know fucking Meryl Streep ( i adore her)....and i totally get how she'd like to preserve her beauty and her sexual aura but she really fucked up her face.

It's sad. I think she could make such a gorgeous looking 40 year old. A MILF, a whatever you call it. Right now she looks more like a woman whos not very young anymore. whos not yet old, but has a skin that doesnt seem real. You still know shes about to enter her 40s and you know that shes overdosing botox. Urgh. But hey whatever I LOVE YOU NICOLE.

Im feeling really weird. I just want to be ok.

2008-02-26T20:19:00.000-08:00

«While silence technically took no time at all, she was surprised to discover how draining it was on a daily basis.»

2008-02-25T22:59:00.000-08:00

Fashion! OSCARS!FUCK YES!

Best dressed:

1. Vanessa Paradie because the dress and the red lipstick and the hair makes her look beautifull. It's vintage and so chic. and just the right amount of drama.

2. Marion Cotillard: She wore J-P Gauthier in a such cute charming sexy way. She was lovely.

3. Keri Rusell: Cos she looked flawless and beautifull.

Hottest male: Philip Seymour Hoffman

Hottest female: Nicole Kidman (yes too much Botox, yes she should get back to being a redhead, yes her husband is useless, yes shes not the hottest thing BUT SHE'S NICOLE KIDMAN THEREFORE THE HOTTEST)

in other news, im scared

2008-02-23T21:59:00.000-08:00

Not the greatest day ever

I detest confrontation

with loud voices, and screaming

I can't stand them. They scares me, freeze me to the bones, they block the only door where i can escape in my mind. Screaming is useless to me. Screaming eats my soul and leave me empty till the next day.

Anyways, i can't help but to feel sad. What a pity to feel this way. I guess it's also a very self-centered feeling.

I just don't know. Im struggling....yes im still struggling with so many so-called normal things. I can't explain how horrible it feels to be blocked, to be so scared that you do inconsciously everything so slowly. And i have no one to talk to, i dont want to talk about it with my bf because i dont want t him to feel like he needs to fix the situation. I dont want him to worry either. I can't speak to my parents, because for them, there'sno problems. Every little odd things i might do, they see it as stupidity,immaturity or just PLAIN INSANE.

They never took any depressive symptoms seriously, my mom lets me purge my dinner every night without saying a word. They dcan't stand when im crying and since learned that any crying needs to be done in my room without noise.

They let me be depressed for 3 months, after these 3 months i needed to get back to normal or it was hell for me. I constantly need to put on a happy face or im sure to get SHIT. Depression for them is a weakness. How dare am i to be depressed when some people have no food or a home? How dare am i making them remember that what i went through was HORRIBLE.

I remember telling my therapist last summer, that bein incarcerated in a mental hospital sounded ok to me. Why? Because there, i could be depressed. I could hurt myself, i could screams, i could lay still for days. LET ME BE CRAZY FOR A MOMENT, LET ME BE FUCKING DEPRESSED. LET ME GET OUT THIS FUCKING BLOODY DEAD HOLE INSIDE OF ME.

or i guess im just being tired

2008-02-19T21:42:00.000-08:00

You are my center when I spin away

I want to trust the other side

and when i will

i hope i don't break in two

I LOVE HIM, THIS IS LOVE, IM SURE, IT CAN'T BE ANYTHING ELSE THAN LOVE. AND IM CRYING COS THIS IS AMAZING

2008-02-14T20:37:00.000-08:00

Music:
I really enjoy Neil Young's music when i study. Some of his songs has random 5 minutes guitars solo. That's something i dont usually find on my ipod.
and
Wilco
and Radiohead

Book: The post-birthday world by Lionel Shriver
Utterly amazing. Google it and then buy it.

DVDs:
Arrested Developpement- again <3
American Dad: Roger FTW!
Supernatural: guitly pleasure
-
bf's cats<3
bf<3
sleepy but ok

2008-02-14T03:58:00.000-08:00

Alexandre Alexandreee Alexandree

Cos his name is lovely, i say it a lot. Even when im alone in my room, suddenly i'd be whinning 'alexandreeee', but that's usually when i miss him.

So Alexandre is my boyfriend, but i use 'bear' a lot more. Even with my friends, im like 'i saw my bear lastnight', or 'mon ours' which is incredibly cheesy.

But he seriously reminds me of a bear, first he growls like one- for real. He has alos the warmest skin, and the sexiest softest crispest chest hair in the history of the male humanity.

I love him.

But not just because he's amazingly attractive and charming (i can't be mad at him, or even a little upset cos he's so damn cute and charming. I think he could cheat on me, then meet me for a cofe and battle his eyelashes and i'd be OK I DONT MIND, NOW, LET'S CUDDLE!!!?).

I love him because he's smart, witty, macho-but-loves-his-mom. I love his voice. That's the only what i could really get from him for a long time, cos i was stalking him, and i would usually just hide and listen to him ....speak words.

For a long time, i only had perceptions of him. Without being really sure, i was 95% certain that he was the coolest guy ever...without really knowing anything about him.

Turns out, he's more the cool, and, smart, and witty and etc. He's really sweetest guy i ever met. I can whine and i can be annoying and i can be moody and i can even dump him in a moment of pure insanity and he's the one who stays calm and sweet and tender and nice.

And he's strong too, and brave. And i want to live in his closet, cos i dont mind small space at all, and i could read, and sniff his clothes and be happy.

I forgot to mention, he smells amazing. Im more than happy when he doesnt shower for a week, cos that means amazing natural smell.

The point of this entry is that it's 7:22 am and i couldnt sleep, and i see him today, soon. And we're going to cook together. A cake for my parents, and cookies for us. And im going to be with him, and his cats, and that for me is the perfect valentine day.

2008-02-07T23:47:00.000-08:00

got to keep it together

cos better days comes

and ugly days goes

a new song to sing

another film to see

hug him harder

a new book to read

things to understand, which i will never understand

but i keep trying

that's what i do

i try

and it's a start?

2008-02-05T23:14:00.000-08:00

A heart that's full up like a landfill

A job that slowly kills you

Bruises that won't heal

You look so tired and unhappy

Bring down the government

They don't, they don't speak for us

I'll take a quiet life

A handshake of carbon monoxide

No alarms and no surprises

Silent, silent

They should tell me, how im going to make it out alive. Maybe i should go back to see my therapist, ask him again why im not better of in a mental institute because there, they would let me sleep, and rest, and do nothing else. Now when i look around me, i still wonder how im going to do it alone, because we are all alone and we're not longer children, and a child im not anymore. I met a man today, and he asked me what i study, and i told him, and he beleived me but i don't beleive in my future.

oh and i infected my bf with a full evil fever-virus.

my little baby, i love him

how wonder how long he's going manage to stay

so persistent and headstrong

so brave

2008-02-01T19:41:00.000-08:00

Karl with Courtney

Bye sexy John Edwards.

Hilary can't wear jeans like John can wear his.

Sad.

Ah im slow at things, but Radioheads's rainbows cd is really really lovely. Oh Radiohead, nobody can't take away how pretty you are.

2008-01-30T15:20:00.000-08:00

This is amazing.

Have all your toasts prettyfied with the hello kitty logo.

2008-01-16T22:25:00.000-08:00

January 16th

It's been 3 years...

I woke up today, i went outside and then it hit me. The date. 1 and 6. 3 years ago. Over, done, start over. I can't use the word survivor because i don't care for that word. It's sounds silly in my head, way too Destiny's child-ish for me. Im not at 100%, because i must say, i never were, a human at her 100% capacity. Im very much alive and very much aware of how bad and how good are things at the very same time.

Just minutes ago i was walking towards the kitchen. Thinking, oh mom and dad, how much i love you, and only because of this love i have for you two- where i dont want to ruin you both, that i didnt kill myself.

Sniffy.

So it's been 3 years and ive been tired ever since. That's really the most significant thing- how tired i am. How i want to sleep. Sleep sleep sleep sleep. And i don't want anything else more than sleep. And i don't know how to change things.

I don't know. And i can't really even think about it.

2007-12-23T12:35:00.000-08:00

Audrey's best cds of 2007!!!

Our love to admire- Interpol

Best tracks: Pace is the trick; Wrecking ball, Pioneer to the falls

Accross the universe- Soundtrack

Best tracks: It wontbe long; Because, Strawberry field forerver, Happiness is a warm gun

Made of bricks- Kate Nash

Best tracks: Fondations; Mouthwash; Mariella; Nicest thing

Magic- Bruce Springteen

Best tracks: Radio nowhere, Devil's arcade, You'll be coming down

Kala- M.I.A

Best tracks: Bamgoo Banga; Paper planes; The turn

Back to black- Amy Whinehouse

Best tracks: Back to black, Tears dry on their own; You know im no good

Into the wild- Soundtrack (Eddie Veder)

Best tracks: Long nights; No ceiling; Society; The wolf

X- Kylie Minogue

Best tracks: Like a drug; Speakerphone, All i see

Seventh Tree- Goldfrapp

Best Tracks: Caravan girl, Little bird, Monster love

Sawdust- The Killers

Best tracks: Shadowplay; Tranquilize; Where the white boys dance; Under the gun

2007-12-22T21:22:00.000-08:00

Today, i met my boyfriend's mom. It was traumatic. I was shaking, i was mortified. So many questions in my poor slow head: what if im stupid? What if i talk about his penis? What if i say he's really better looking naked? What if she thinks im not good enough for him?

???

I did ok. Im pretty proud of myself. Thats rare to have this feeling. But it was important for me, for him, for us that i do good. Because he's a really good person, im serious, he's amazaing and talented and beautifull but the most important thing is that he is a nice, polite, funny, has a good heart...and i respect him so much... and because i respect him i wanted him to be proud of me and not be let down in this.

I didnt want to fuck up. And i dont think i did. So now i can breathe a little more, and im content. He has an amazing mom. And she's so good looking and so young in spirit. My mom is really a mix of an old english lady and a young snob parisian woman. So her clothes are always very classic and...yeah sometimes a little bit cheesy. But his mom....SHE HAS THIS SUPER CUTE COAT AND BAG AND RING!!! And she's so sweet and nice, i kinda wanted to eat her.

Also, her bf is this really hot forty something guy. And he's nice too.

What a pretty family, i kept thinking.

I cannot help to love nice people. Niceness in our society is not too common.

So yeah, now i know for sure that my boyfriend's DNA is 100% greater than yours.

Audrey

2007-12-21T18:15:00.000-08:00

Audrey's Best of 2007

Books:

Diana Arbus, A biography by Patricia Bosworth

Absolutly this years best book in my head. Ive underline pretty much every words in this book. Lovely, interesting, hearbreaking. Ive read it while my mother was hospitalized. The worst moment of 2007 and where i ended up wanting to kill myself. But this book, although maybe digged my grave deeper, helped my find beauty in life. Because its that good.

We need to talk about Kevin by Lionel Shiver

The narrative is pitchfuckingperfect. Lionel Shiver seems to a woman with the balls the size of China. I didnt read this book, i ate it. In the fictional category- its the number 1.

Marie Antoinette by Antonia Fraser

«But im not a feminist» said Courtney Love which is exactly what i need to say before beginning to talk about this biography of Marie Antoinette. A spoiled, rich young girl but a new icon for me.

Into thin air by Jon Krakauer

A true story. A must read. This story is bigger than reality.

Froidure by Kate Mosses

The fictional last days of Sylvia Platt. A must read. So gorgeous.

Pensées, provocs et autre volontés by Serge Gainsbourg

A rude, ugly and alchoolic man Serge Gainsbourg slept with gorgeous women. Why? Well its all in the book- HE WAS FUCKING AMAZING. He also produced one of the lovelist women alive, his daughter Charlotte.

Reunion by Alan Lightman

A book my boyfriend passed me. Because it was so beautifull, i then bought it. A love story. Maybe the only true one i read in a book this year. Makes you want to have sex and be young.

Into the wild by Job Krakauer

Another true story. A young man gives his 20 000$ saving, leaves his family behind and then to be finally found dead alone in the Alaska wildness. Stupid, sad, amazing. You can hear the sound of the air when you read it.

2007-12-19T18:51:00.000-08:00

Im updating because:

Theres still people reading this blog, i dont know why...you crazy people?!
and because
It's been awhile.

So im reading: Atonement
It's good and awesome and lovely and scary.

What im doing: Trying to survive finals. Trying to enjoy life while finals. Trying not be be completly sucked out of life whiles finals. Trying to be confident in the future- while having these panic attacks BECAUSE OF FINALS.

Thinking: Moving to Utah. Im sure they need a french, a canadian (in one person-which is me) almost sane or insane (depends of the point of view) lazy but friendly girl. Why? Because its so far away from what ive lived in a urban city that RIGHT NOW IT LOOKS APPEALING. Even if theres mormons.

What's my mental health: For the first time in years, i can actually remember what happened to me in the last couple of months, I can remember smells, images, people, situations, conversations. For years, my life has been about living and forgetting it the next day. Right now, i can remember how i walked from UQAM to Concordia...first with the warm but chilly at the same time september weather, then the chilly but oh so goodlooking fall air, then the snow...i remember!!! I remember seasons!

I must be living then...? Right right

And yes im still jealous of the skinny ones, pretty ones, easy breathy people, the super smart, the super rich. Im a walking jealous machine. But im a nice jealous. I more in awe of them then anythign else. Because theyre like shining toys to me. And at the end, ive never really been into toys.

But let's stop with the nonsense...

JAMIE-LYNN SPEARS IS PREGNANT.!!!! Britney's 16 years old sister is pregnant.

NEWS OF DECEMBER FER SURE.

2007-12-04T22:40:00.000-08:00

Oh the tears that you weep

for the poor tortured souls

who fall at your feet

with their love begging bowl

sall the clerks and the tailorsthe

sharks and the sailors

all good at their trades

but they'll always be failures

Alms for the poor

for the wretched disciples

and the love that they swore

with their hearts on the Bible

be seeching the honour

to sit at your table

and feast on your holiness

as long as they're able

Love needs its martyrs

needs its sacrifices

they live for your beauty

and pay for their vices

love will be the death of

my lonely soul brothers

but their spirit shall live on in

the hearts of all lovers

2007-12-02T15:30:00.000-08:00

I FUCKING HATE TECHNOLOGY SOMETIMES

2007-11-24T21:49:00.000-08:00

Thanks to these people i no longer buy Us Weekly:
Miley something aka Hannah Montana
High school musical people
The Jonas Brothers
Any reality stars
Dancing with the stars F-listed people

Honestly, i have no clue who these people are.

...

Im tired, and i have a cold. But me being tired has nothing to do with the cold. I just feel awfully tired. And everything seems so complicated and tough. I really want to hibernate. But i don't have a choice and i guess it's better this way. My definition of living is not the same as the one in the dictionnary. But i would have no life. Or maybe a better life. Its confusing.

Id like feel better. I don't want to go back. I want move on. Because i may be the only one who hasnt moved on yet.

And i want a cat
and i love my bf, im scared to loose him
i hate my body, i hate being chubby
but i love him and i love music and i love the simpsons
so its ok

2007-11-12T22:10:00.000-08:00

i wish i could be perfect for him
i wish i could be a optimist
and not be so pessimist
about all things
really, i do mean it
all things.

ps: nikita ftw!!!

2007-11-07T23:28:00.000-08:00

a_bear dit:
im going to protect your dreams
her blooms dit :
a_bear dit :
from my dreams

well after he said that he was gone
and i broke down in tears
because he's the first one
who's trying so hard to protect me
and he's the first one
who knows my secrets
and i've cried so hard for me
but it's worth it, so worth it
he's magic, he's magic

2007-10-24T23:17:00.000-07:00

I don't think my little heart can take another night of nightmares
with evil men
evil girls
doing evil things
and im tired
so tired

2007-10-19T13:02:00.000-07:00

Things are slow for me. Which is oddly odd with the time that is passing by so quickly. School is not too bad this semester, two classes are interesting, and two others where i can't seem to keep my eyes open. I had the joy to read amazing books in the last few weeks and it really balances my mood in a good way.

And the new Alice Sebold book is good. Raw, hard, scary and real. Very good. ...I saw pretty films too. That makes my life better.

The view i get from my window is gorgeous. Autumn is such a weird season for me. I love it but its very bittersweet. School ruins it a little.

2007-10-13T00:01:00.000-07:00

It's not possible to describe my bf and how is he, it's also pretty much the same thing about our relationship. I've been in love with him for more than a year, i stalked him for months before having the nerve to ask his number. Back then, i didnt want to date or a relationship. But fuck i had to know him, i had to be his friend, it was like almost like an obligation. But he surprised me way more than i thought id be. He is sweet to me. Treats me like a princess almost, He holds my hand and im happy. He helps me, he tries to calm me, he sooth me, he comforts me. Anyways, i guess its kinda pointless to write this at 3:11 but ....it's 3:11 and i think about him and im just in awe of him.

i have the fragile gender. im a girl and im in love, therefore im hopeless