I seriously don't know how you normal people go to sleep without prescription pills. I mean seriously last night was Day 1 of my no-more-sleeping-pills cos i need a new prescription and my appointment is only next tuesday...so anyways, before having my precious blue pill and way before having any big traumatic events in my life- i had insomnia or a really light sleep or took almost an hour to fall asleep. Where was i? What's the point of this entry anyways, i forgot.

BUT!

To battle my non-pill night i choose to have a dose of Nyquil and a dose of a regular sleeping pill. It knocked me out in 35 minutes and i was so gone. So gone i had to function in a sleepy opium-like haze till 2 pm the next day.

I also had a really distubing and disgusting nightmare involving canibalism!

AND

They have Rihanna's Umbrella at karaokes!!! People almost...had tears rolling down their cheeks while i was singing so gracefully under my umbrella ela ela hey hey under my umbralla ela ela ela hey hey hey oh hey oh.

-
Currently watching Inland Empire. Currently disturbed by it.

I finally saw 'Margot at the wedding' aka the new Nicole Kidman movie. Such good movie. She's a great actress but she sometimes she just doesnt really fit in certain type of caracter. ( I can't get over how strange in a bad way is her performance in 'Fur').

There's just this one scene in the movie where she cries. I swear, her face doesn't move. Tears roll on her cheeks but there's no lines or wrinkle around her eyes or forehead or face. I hate botox. It's lame but i thought she would be one of the actresses that would age gracefully and take on more mature roles like i dont know fucking Meryl Streep ( i adore her)....and i totally get how she'd like to preserve her beauty and her sexual aura but she really fucked up her face.

It's sad. I think she could make such a gorgeous looking 40 year old. A MILF, a whatever you call it. Right now she looks more like a woman whos not very young anymore. whos not yet old, but has a skin that doesnt seem real. You still know shes about to enter her 40s and you know that shes overdosing botox. Urgh. But hey whatever I LOVE YOU NICOLE.

-

Im feeling really weird. I just want to be ok.

«While silence technically took no time at all, she was surprised to discover how draining it was on a daily basis.»

Fashion! OSCARS!FUCK YES!

Best dressed:

1. Vanessa Paradie because the dress and the red lipstick and the hair makes her look beautifull. It's vintage and so chic. and just the right amount of drama.

2. Marion Cotillard: She wore J-P Gauthier in a such cute charming sexy way. She was lovely.

3. Keri Rusell: Cos she looked flawless and beautifull.

Hottest male: Philip Seymour Hoffman

Hottest female: Nicole Kidman (yes too much Botox, yes she should get back to being a redhead, yes her husband is useless, yes shes not the hottest thing BUT SHE'S NICOLE KIDMAN THEREFORE THE HOTTEST)

<3

in other news, im scared

Not the greatest day ever

I detest confrontation

with loud voices, and screaming

I can't stand them. They scares me, freeze me to the bones, they block the only door where i can escape in my mind. Screaming is useless to me. Screaming eats my soul and leave me empty till the next day.

Anyways, i can't help but to feel sad. What a pity to feel this way. I guess it's also a very self-centered feeling.

I just don't know. Im struggling....yes im still struggling with so many so-called normal things. I can't explain how horrible it feels to be blocked, to be so scared that you do inconsciously everything so slowly. And i have no one to talk to, i dont want to talk about it with my bf because i dont want t him to feel like he needs to fix the situation. I dont want him to worry either. I can't speak to my parents, because for them, there'sno problems. Every little odd things i might do, they see it as stupidity,immaturity or just PLAIN INSANE.

They never took any depressive symptoms seriously, my mom lets me purge my dinner every night without saying a word. They dcan't stand when im crying and since learned that any crying needs to be done in my room without noise.

They let me be depressed for 3 months, after these 3 months i needed to get back to normal or it was hell for me. I constantly need to put on a happy face or im sure to get SHIT. Depression for them is a weakness. How dare am i to be depressed when some people have no food or a home? How dare am i making them remember that what i went through was HORRIBLE.

I remember telling my therapist last summer, that bein incarcerated in a mental hospital sounded ok to me. Why? Because there, i could be depressed. I could hurt myself, i could screams, i could lay still for days. LET ME BE CRAZY FOR A MOMENT, LET ME BE FUCKING DEPRESSED. LET ME GET OUT THIS FUCKING BLOODY DEAD HOLE INSIDE OF ME.

or i guess im just being tired

You are my center when I spin away

I want to trust the other side

and when i will

i hope i don't break in two

I LOVE HIM, THIS IS LOVE, IM SURE, IT CAN'T BE ANYTHING ELSE THAN LOVE. AND IM CRYING COS THIS IS AMAZING

Music:
I really enjoy Neil Young's music when i study. Some of his songs has random 5 minutes guitars solo. That's something i dont usually find on my ipod.
and
Wilco
and Radiohead

Book: The post-birthday world by Lionel Shriver
Utterly amazing. Google it and then buy it.

DVDs:
Arrested Developpement- again <3
American Dad: Roger FTW!
Supernatural: guitly pleasure
-
bf's cats<3
bf<3
sleepy but ok

Alexandre Alexandreee Alexandree

Cos his name is lovely, i say it a lot. Even when im alone in my room, suddenly i'd be whinning 'alexandreeee', but that's usually when i miss him.

So Alexandre is my boyfriend, but i use 'bear' a lot more. Even with my friends, im like 'i saw my bear lastnight', or 'mon ours' which is incredibly cheesy.

But he seriously reminds me of a bear, first he growls like one- for real. He has alos the warmest skin, and the sexiest softest crispest chest hair in the history of the male humanity.

I love him.

But not just because he's amazingly attractive and charming (i can't be mad at him, or even a little upset cos he's so damn cute and charming. I think he could cheat on me, then meet me for a cofe and battle his eyelashes and i'd be OK I DONT MIND, NOW, LET'S CUDDLE!!!?).

I love him because he's smart, witty, macho-but-loves-his-mom. I love his voice. That's the only what i could really get from him for a long time, cos i was stalking him, and i would usually just hide and listen to him ....speak words.

For a long time, i only had perceptions of him. Without being really sure, i was 95% certain that he was the coolest guy ever...without really knowing anything about him.

Turns out, he's more the cool, and, smart, and witty and etc. He's really sweetest guy i ever met. I can whine and i can be annoying and i can be moody and i can even dump him in a moment of pure insanity and he's the one who stays calm and sweet and tender and nice.

And he's strong too, and brave. And i want to live in his closet, cos i dont mind small space at all, and i could read, and sniff his clothes and be happy.

I forgot to mention, he smells amazing. Im more than happy when he doesnt shower for a week, cos that means amazing natural smell.

The point of this entry is that it's 7:22 am and i couldnt sleep, and i see him today, soon. And we're going to cook together. A cake for my parents, and cookies for us. And im going to be with him, and his cats, and that for me is the perfect valentine day.

got to keep it together

cos better days comes

and ugly days goes

a new song to sing

another film to see

hug him harder

a new book to read

things to understand, which i will never understand

but i keep trying

that's what i do

i try

and it's a start?

A heart that's full up like a landfill

A job that slowly kills you

Bruises that won't heal

You look so tired and unhappy

Bring down the government

They don't, they don't speak for us

I'll take a quiet life

A handshake of carbon monoxide

No alarms and no surprises

No alarms and no surprises

No alarms and no surprises

Silent, silent

-

They should tell me, how im going to make it out alive. Maybe i should go back to see my therapist, ask him again why im not better of in a mental institute because there, they would let me sleep, and rest, and do nothing else. Now when i look around me, i still wonder how im going to do it alone, because we are all alone and we're not longer children, and a child im not anymore. I met a man today, and he asked me what i study, and i told him, and he beleived me but i don't beleive in my future.

oh and i infected my bf with a full evil fever-virus.

my little baby, i love him

how wonder how long he's going manage to stay

so persistent and headstrong

so brave

Karl with Courtney

Bye sexy John Edwards.

Hilary can't wear jeans like John can wear his.

Sad.

-

Ah im slow at things, but Radioheads's rainbows cd is really really lovely. Oh Radiohead, nobody can't take away how pretty you are.

<3