Im feeling middly depressed. And im pretty sure i was feeling the exact same way last year at this very moment. I know a huge part of this is because my bf gave me awesome gifts. I know it's crazy, but i just don't know how to handle it. Im glad that my friends fixed my bday date in late july- i would try to kill myself for sure with one more wonderful gift. I swear people, i feel better when people don't bother things with me, i like not being noticed, i like to stare and observe and i never feel that a THANK YOU is enough.

But i do really feel depressed. I don't have a job right now, and although i have money in the banks, i feel i need to strangle myself to keep me away from spending money. It's weird and bad. And stupid things makes me mad and sad like not being able to re-read all my books at the same time, or not watching all my dvds, or not reading every erything on the internet. Not knowning every little possible things and explainationg is really really depressing to me. Must be some kind of OCD to this.

I feel like a real bitch to talk about this to people that are close to me. Personally, i get worried if a friend tells me that she-he is depressed. I get all, well LET'S CHANGE THE WORLD TOGETHER OR LET'S DIE TOGETHER. But my reasons are almost offensive, it's like yes youre being wonderful to me, but at the end of the day i feel like shit cos youre too good to me! I don't expect them to beat me up just to make me feel better.

It's very odd though, because my ideal life for me has always been the kind of my mom had. Have money to spend without having job. Of course she took care of kids. But in my mind, she had total freedom over her expense. I realize that i can't physically ever do that, unless i win the fucking lotery because accepting money or gifts makes me feel worthless. HOW FUCKING INSANE AM I.

Anyways, im at my grandmother's house and its LOVELY. Its the exact decoration, everything is the same as always, it's so sweet. And oh i miss my grandfather. He was so awesome. Even the smell...it smells like my memories. This place is a fucking time bubble.

i could go on, serious things are wrong with me