Not the greatest day ever

I detest confrontation

with loud voices, and screaming

I can't stand them. They scares me, freeze me to the bones, they block the only door where i can escape in my mind. Screaming is useless to me. Screaming eats my soul and leave me empty till the next day.

Anyways, i can't help but to feel sad. What a pity to feel this way. I guess it's also a very self-centered feeling.

I just don't know. Im struggling....yes im still struggling with so many so-called normal things. I can't explain how horrible it feels to be blocked, to be so scared that you do inconsciously everything so slowly. And i have no one to talk to, i dont want to talk about it with my bf because i dont want t him to feel like he needs to fix the situation. I dont want him to worry either. I can't speak to my parents, because for them, there'sno problems. Every little odd things i might do, they see it as stupidity,immaturity or just PLAIN INSANE.

They never took any depressive symptoms seriously, my mom lets me purge my dinner every night without saying a word. They dcan't stand when im crying and since learned that any crying needs to be done in my room without noise.

They let me be depressed for 3 months, after these 3 months i needed to get back to normal or it was hell for me. I constantly need to put on a happy face or im sure to get SHIT. Depression for them is a weakness. How dare am i to be depressed when some people have no food or a home? How dare am i making them remember that what i went through was HORRIBLE.

I remember telling my therapist last summer, that bein incarcerated in a mental hospital sounded ok to me. Why? Because there, i could be depressed. I could hurt myself, i could screams, i could lay still for days. LET ME BE CRAZY FOR A MOMENT, LET ME BE FUCKING DEPRESSED. LET ME GET OUT THIS FUCKING BLOODY DEAD HOLE INSIDE OF ME.

or i guess im just being tired