progressing so slowly

i wish i could be faster

i still feel paralized

by everything

it's hard to balance how much you give

and think about when and how

you'll loose it all

i am good at being logical

but im bad at maths

-

Though you wish you were the wind

Boat will not stop moving

ohhh

First the new Interpol cd comesout July 10th. agjhaghsghjsiueyoiuehdg YES

2nd, the Bell Jar will be soon made into a movie with Julia Stiles in it siuoeiujkdhdjkh YES

YESYESYESYESYESYEYEYSYEYES

here in the darkness
i know myself
-

Is passion and desire the same thing?
Why yes, why not ?
Is love always comes along with them?
if not, what's left for love?
and what about lust?

i almost love it when i go into a trans and my brains pops out questions
pop pop
pop

whech So im re-watching season 2 of Buffy and this is the season where Buffy and Angel blooms into unconditionnal love and etc. There's also Spike who is maybe my ultimate favorite in Buffyuniverse. Theres Cordelia and Xander...Oz and Willow. And almost every episode is a little delicious perfect 43 minutes spent. Angel is a newly favorite of mine and even is he has a hairless body- i find him sexy..? This is extremely shocking to me.

Im feeling a better. I don' t feel like i want to die anymore. Last week was really between start to work or die. And really dying sounded better.

I got the results from my psy- exam. I havent read them. But i know that im getting better, and that im no where near insanity. It's a good feeling. Im proud of me. With all the stuff i've been reading about traumas and people who went through madness. One thing is clear no matter how much you've been hurt, crushed, stripped of your natural defenses- the one step between sanity and insanity is a choice.

You let it go, all go and you fall into another kind of reality or you force yourself even though it's the most painfull thing ever, you force yourslef to stay here, in the real world. And face what you have to face to get better.

There's a few weeks, maybe 2 months where i could feel it, i was one step away and i just couldnt go this low. I couldn't. And it's good to be passionnate about stuff, even if it's silly stuff because these silly stuff make you want to be there, and not just be gone in your own outher space.

-

school almost done

im having a major party in my head thursday night

Im floating and im trying so hard to swim. Im trying so hard not to shut myself and fuck everything. Im trying to knock on things, touch things, talk to friends because i need to remind me that this is reality and reality is the only way where i can live and experience real things. It's silly that i can go into a almost mental catonic state just because its my finals. It's silly and it's too bad and i almost pity myself .

stay afloat
stay afloat
stay afloat

i wish i could be in my bf's bed and fall asleep and wake up next week.
i wish i wish i wish

Im feeling spineless. I can't stand up.

It's the feeling where eveything feels wrong and bad and terrible. I had a good day, im lucky since nothing bad happens to me, mostly.

Tomorrow i will either lie and take a day off. Start again, get my blood running again. Curl myself in bed and lay down under layers of covers.

Or im not going to lie, and go through what i supposed to go through.

Why do we always ask "how are you". When the answer is already restricted to being 'im ok' 'im not ok' ? I know its not hypocrisy but sometimes i can't stand it.

im tired tired tired

tired tired tired

These two pictures makes me wonder about my sexuality. David Beckam is missing in these, it's a good thing because i can't take that many uglies. Holy shit, just wtf. And fuck im tired of these reality shows with kids of C-list celebrities.

-

Im trying to change the way i react to certain things. But it doesn't work. I react the exact same way. Even though i thing its bad, i just keep thinking a certain way.

It's sad in a way.

her blooms dit :
baby, dont die
a_cakemaker dit :
i promise i will never die

sometimes, that's all i want to hear

sometimes it's really simple

it's just hi, i love you

there's nothing else
and its in my head all the time
you you you
you're magic to me

<3

Why are you so pretty Brian Molko?!?

Im feeling kind of blue, i've been listening to Placebo for hours, the same 6 songs over and over again. Unable to move, i feel. Or numb. I prefer to cry than feeling this cold. At least i can laugh at myself after im done. Or i can feel i made a really stupid thing to cry that much but by being non-reactive, im doing nothing wrong.

You're always ahead of the game,

I drag behind,

You never get caught in the rain,

When I'm drenched to the bone every time

-i had a really awesome and different in a reallygood way dream last night, with my blue pills i have all my dreams in this vivid reality- so i get to feel everything. When touch, i feel every fibers of the things im touching. It's bad with nightnames but its AMAZING with the good ones.

id like to sleep for a few months...right now i would

I think i love Angel now.
and
Spike and Angel on a same episode is even better.

Into the Dark *3rd ep, season 1* is one of the best episode i saw in the buffy/angel universe...it was funny, it was disturbing, there was suspense...and it was lovely.

Im happy...i now have months to watch all Angel five seasons.

tomorrow...must check email and answer all my emails...and say sorry for not answering emails...i must finish my travail ...i must go take a cofe wit Etienne to catch up on things and i need to shower and go to class.

goddamnitgoddamnit