Alexandre,

I thought of you today. I was outside and it wass 10: 10ish and suddenly i realized that somewhere in montreal, you were in your bed, sleeping, your head on your pillows, your eyes closed. You were sleeping maybe on your belly. Maybe your back exposde... And i thought wow, to think youre sleeping, that youre alive. That you the person i love...is alive. I smiled.

Im glad to know you. Im glad to get to know you better. Im glad to discover all your talents. Im glad that i asked you for your number. Im glad because i met someone whos exceptional. No one is like in in the world.

I don't care if it's chessy what im writing.

But you dont know how good it is for me to know that you are in my world.

I care for you

I love you

I know it's not easy to love me. The love i feel for you complicates things in my brain but omg i would not have it another way.

im looking at your pictures and im smiling :)

thank you

audrey

PTSD

PTSD

PTSD

It's weird, it's the first time i looked on wikipedia to see what it was really. I can't beleive how they explain it in words. I don't know what to think of any of this. I like to laugh about how crazy i am but im not crazy. Im sure of this. Im not. I used to thin it was cool to be in crazy at 15. But then you start having hallucination and you dont think its cool anymore. And to read all these things they say about PTSD...makes me almost angry at myself to fall into this. And at the same time, i accept it and i want to work on it and be healthy mentally. And it's all silly, cos it's just brain cells. And im trying so hard to be my own little soldier and stop the dissociation and the self-destruction and the lonely feeling of being worthless.

worthless

worthless

im not a loser

im worthless

Therapy is basically yourself working on changing your almost unconscious reactions to things. It's almost impossible.

And it's boring.

But i know, shamelessly without therapy...that id be working really hard to be fucked up.

In therapy, that 50 minutes ...it puts be back into reality. My world is not in the reality. But please please God i want to live and be someone before i die. So yeah, i think i need therapy.

i dont want to be worthless, or nothing at all.

i want to be me, maybe one day i will show you

i hope

I don't think im going to live long. And i think i'll live alone.
So what should i do? How should i think. Death is all around me. I don't feel like i deserve a long happy life.
But what's the maximum for living a live you can't assume?

but i want to love
and be loved
and i want to cook food
and watch movies
and read all the book i want to read
i want to have cats.

Im sad by writing this. I hope i'll make it through.

List/ Stuff to get!!!z

• Italian Vogue/ with Courtney Love
• Angel /Season 1
• World's end/ Sandman
• A book
• Amy Winehouse/ Mika cd
• Headphones

whatelsewhatelse...oh yeah liposuction and loose 45 lbs!!!!

I can't help but love the Louis XVI-Marie Antoinnette couple. Theres a sweetness about them. Although, couple- they werent really.

I feel almost violated when a man flirts with me. Hard to explain but it's the word for how i feel. It makes me feel useless and stupid. It makes me want to hide for days. I don't feel pretty and in some ways im totally ok with my unprettyness. I feel safe. Im not ok with it when im alone, thats where my mind rambles, where i feel insecure, where i wish i could be beautiful as -it seems easier.

Overall things are okay.

I made a conscious decision to try to make things easier for me. I think it's in my character to hurt myself. And it's such a lonely thing to feel 'hurt'. So i buy a lot of comic books and books and i see friends i like and i smell my boyfriend's chest and then i think well things are not that bad.

I love Jack Kerouac. My dear friend Lisa is the one who let me discovered him. He's our mutual hero. Tall, dark, a calm rebel who fought his demons without hurting anybody. On the road is the first book i read from him. I hated it. I took a month to finish the first 3 chapters. Then the more i was reading, the more i wanted to re-read it. Anyways, it kinda knocked me out- because it's so good. He's addicting. It's not easy but once you've been hit you want more. And just typing words about him, makes me content.

And he was straight. (!!!) tehe

"il se définissait comme 'un artiste, un conteur, un écrivain dans la grande tradition française, et non le porte-parole d'un million de voyous'. "

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars."—from On the Road

How lovely. Makes me wanna burn like i should burn. Slowly, quietly, comfy.

---

How fucking good is Amy Winehouse's cds? Shit shit shit its so good good good bon bon bon.

This is The Smiths. They're my favorite band. The singer is the one on the far left. It's Steven Patrick Morrissey. i <3>

i had a good week-end

i saw my friends

i karaoke

we were silly

i saw my bf

it was pretty and silly

and perfect

You are the loneliest girl in the world
I’ll watch you die a thousand times again
You are the loneliest girl in the world
And I just want to make it go away
And I just want to make it go away


it's in the way i watch myself fall in my bed

-
anyways, i have a lot of stuff in my head. And i write and i write everywhere. I love the way it feels and looks..papers filled with words. And i dont want to be read. Someday i'll die, and maybe one person is going to read everything i wrote. All my stories and my theories. And it's going to be enough. Or maybe not. Theres just something, so stuff i never said. I don't know if its a secret, its one...yes. But secrets are supposed to be untold. So i won't tell.

And today i was thinking, so what's my favorite film?
I know
Peau d'âne and Secretery
the most important films so far in my life
to explain why would be pointless cos it's so personnal, but they are there for me. And they will, always.

im in love im in love im in love

he's lovely

im in love with him

I just read that rumors says Britney Spears has been bulimic for the last 6 years. and that she's also being treated for this in rehab. And in some website the girl commented with this:

"Britney is reportedly now being treated for the eating disorder with medication, which they are trying to give her at times that she won’t be throwing up.

I guess this is a lesson to all of us that no, bulimia doesn’t always make you thin. "

Ok seriously fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck her. Britney had two kids and because she's till not 110 lbs 'bulimia doesn't always make you thin" ? What the fuck is wrong with today. And what the fuck is wrong with america where theres more than 55% of the populatation whos overweight-obese and then theres this growing amount of people who are saying stuff like this. Theres no fucking middle ground anymore. Fuck, fuck fuck. It's disgusting how this society is fucking with our brains. I want to see someone eat and dont give a fuck about the calories, i want to see people eat and gain a pound the next day and not worry about it because you have one life and youre a stupid fool if you don't enjoy the really good stuff- like food.

Im bulimic, why, because i dont want to gain weight. Does it work anymore? I dont gain but i dont loose weight. Slowly, like a pound every 6 months. But seriously, give me a brain transplant and i will glady eat again like a normal person. COS BULIMIA FUCKING SUCKS AND IT EATS YOUR BODY. OK.

ok i stop.

i feel --------- today

guess!

be to her virtues
very kind
be to her faults
a little blind


a little blind
a little blind

I wish i was either stronger or weaker. If i was stronger, i would be in a better place. If i was weaker, i wouldn't be there at all. But it take strenght to go low, to get weaker. It takes courage to loose by choice.

Im swimming, all i do is... swimming for days...to stay afloat.

List/ stuff to do

-mecredi after my class, get my poster

-get a new buffy comic

-pay the 25$ for resevation

- get a new book

-study study study

-try to not die

next week:

-get dirty blond by Courtney Love

- get the sandman 7

Im afraid to have my note back for my monday class. Im afraid that i dont have enough time to study what i have to learn for my mercredi class....then jeudi another class , which is the most difficult one.

i think im fucked but we'll see.

todays been weird and awfull and precious all mixed up together.

Hospital suck a little bit of live out you when you're.

But now my mom is ok and ready now for the opration.

And today , i was supposed to see a film with my bf and maybe eat something, just hangout. And i was at the hospital from 12:35 to 20:21 pm. So 8 hours. I talk to him, ask if my mom alrights. And magically we meet at 22h00 for a coffe. Which was the precious moment. He knew he would be the best thing of my day. He kinda rescued me from the day i spent.

my boyfriend is sweeter than sweet. He's a good man. im just still chocked that hes still here in my life.

he's lovely