Im really really tired.

I just found out that my mom is not immortal. And it's a shock. And it's sad. And i feel very empty. And i cried, seeing her on her hospital bed, with needles in her arms, machines around her. And i saw me, in the future, going through the same thing. But alone, cos i wont have a husband with me, i won't have my children around me. I saw myself on the hospital bed, getting old and alone.

And there's no way i can go through this. And then i was walking alone at eleven in the dark, and then i think for the very first time, i knew, i knew...i knew that one day, someday, it's going to be my choice, how i want to end it. And for the very first time, i completly faced the idea of 'suicide'. And it's ok. And it's ok. Im going to be ok.

Being a girl is so weird. So complex. So silly.