Je ne me construis qu'avec des doutes.

It's one of those moment where i feel dead and perfectly happy with it. If i hold my breathe long enough. Im more than fine.

My baby is pretty
my baby is good
I love him so
i love him more than you
im difficult
my moods swings so low
goes up so fast
he takes it all
he breathes for me

my baby is pretty
prettier than you
i want to turn off the lights
mine and his
pause the life
sleep with him
and take him in

my baby is good
went through enough
for lifetimes
it's all dark for him
already, lights are shut down
but he smiles
it's alright, he would say

im almost blind
but i can see
in the dark

my baby is pretty
and good
my baby is better than all of you.

Audrey

And you're forever in her debt

Well I know you haven't saved me

And you haven't saved her yet

She spent twenty years like a virus

They want to burn the witch she's inside us

Well you, you don't f*** with the fabulous four

Or you spend the rest of your life

Picking things up off the floor

She's still alive but I am sure

That all the stars belong to her

On California king-sized beds

She's wrapped in rags inside my head

This is the story, this is the story of someone who's wild

Big black rules, pearl, life

(I don't remember, I forget)

Dear Courtney Love, i love you. Don't never die.

*PLEASE LET MADONNA ADOPT THIS CHILD HUMM A GOOD REASON? HE'S NOT GOING TO DIE OF STARVATION*

Seven Types of Ambiguity- the book that i praised like a week ago became a fucking joke after the 3rd part. OMFG IS SO...FUCKING RIDICULOUS. I study and write essays and i study study and i want to breathe a little and take a break- so i pick up this book...to enjoy one of the few things that i absolutly LOVE which is reading. And and argh argh argh it makes me so...fucking angry to waste this time to read this.

GODDAMNITELLIOTPERLMAN!

I have a cold. It's God telling me to stop studying. I think. I agree with him on this.

im tiredtiredtired

so tired

and

im coldcoldcold

so cold

At least theres Anansi Boy BY NEIL GAIMAN that can bright up this angerish moment that im having right now.

And

theres

Sheryl Crow i downlaodedher2ndcdanditsprettygood.

Elliot Perlman get a D

Charlie Nancy get a A+ for adorableness

Sheryl, humm a B+

Neil = both A+ in talent and good look and good fashion and good taste in women.

The last Goldfrapp cd is really good for studying.

Hum i think it was yesterday...yesterday i thought about how importantly i want a library in my own house. A room with books and magazines. The walls....covered with books or old movies posters. Couch, comfy couch. A rug...covering the floor, the whole floor. With cats in the room. So i decide that if i live longer than in my 20s... i want a this room to exist in my house. OKAY

"The emotions are not skilled workers"

( Nicole Kidman...i love her. I put a picture of her because i like to look at her perfectness. Im not even jealous of her because she's unpossibly good looking. She doesnt seem real. Thats what i like about her. )






For hungry moments
when i want this more than
anything else
is there ambiguity
to this ?
attempts at gratification are likely
to produce tension
but its constructive
it is positive
its more than nothing
its new again

Book!!!!

Im reading this really really great book. Its called 'Seven types of ambiguity' and its by Elliot Perlman. It's seven parts and every parts is by a different point of view. The basic story is this man Simon (a teacher) who's been deeply depressed since his gf (Anna) broke up with him to get married with a stockbroker- William. He lost his job and the only thing he does is seeing a prostitute named Angelica who's in love with him. Angelica is also working for William. So Simon finally get a glimpse of what Anna's life is about. She has a son- Sam. And everything seems ok for her.

So first part is Simon's therapist POV. We get to know the depressed side of Simon, how he's still in love with Anna and how slowly he's loosing his mind over her. At the end of part 1; he tells us that Simon kidnnap Anna's son. Angelica (who was with him when the police came) wanted to help him to get himself out of this sudden crazy siatuation.

Second part: Its William's POV. We begin to understand why he's been seeing a prostitute for over a year (Anna wont have any physical contacts with him). And see how the kidnnaping of his son forced him to understand how his marriage felt appart. He thinks that Anna was cheating on him with Simon. The weakest link becomes Angelica- since he wonders what was she doing here with Simon. Last scene is William visiting Angelica- drunk he tries to fuck up in the ass while shes trying to explain that she had nothing to do with his song kidnnaping.

Im at part 3 where its now Angelica-pov. And i want to read read read.

This may has no sense but i swear its a really good book. It makes you think about relationships and get different angles of povs that we dont usually have. Its not cheesy. Its really about human behaviours.

-

Madonna adopted a boy!

I want to see so many moviesssss its great.

My bf has the sexiest chest ever.

INTERVIEW WITH BORAT!!!

Quotes from the new Entertement weekly magasine.

Is your family treating you differently now that you're a Hollywood movie star?

They has start to ask me for favours. My mother want a pretty hat, my 12 year old son, Hooeylewis, want eat beef jerky and my 11 year old son, Bilak, want to do a sexytime with Lindsay Lohans. Of course, these has not all be possible, but i am ope soon to find the hat for my mother.

(...)

Your movie has been getting overwhelming positive reviews. How do you see your chances of winning an Oscar?

In anticipate of this Oscar event, my twelve year old son Hooeylewis has set off travelling here on foot from Kazakhstan with his wife and two childrens. If he arrive in time, I have promise him that he can make romance explosion inside most beautiful actress in world, Liza Minelli.

HAHAHAHAAHAJAJAJAJAHAHAHAomgomgomgomgomgomgomg

theres more!!!!

Does anyone else in your family have Hollywood aspirations? Would you consider moving to Los Angeles?

My 12 year old son, Hooeylewis have already start in this showbizness and recent become actor in Kazakh version of 'Telebubbies'. He good, but still very nervous of camera — especially for sex scenes. I do not know why — he have magnificent chram, circumference 16.4 centimetre and should be proud to show it to the other childrens.

ajahjkahajs happyhappyhappy!!!

lol I love how Kayne West is so starstruck that he's taking is own picture with his camera. But yeah, I love Karl Lagerfeld. Chanel is probably the only 'couture' brand that i would spend 5 000$ for shoes or a bag. Karl would probably tell me that im a fat cow with the wrong clothes, hair,accessories BUT i would still ask for a fucking picture with him and a hug. Anyways he's so cool.

It's the coming out day. I found out 30 minutes ago. A really butch girl asked me for my number tonight and i was so proud. . I said no im sorry im super cock loving straight girl. Or almost said that. My friend and i then talked about all-things-gay and how eating a cock seems cooler than eating pussy. We're both retarded though. Hum theres a huge list of unstraight people ive been in love with for years:

Morrissey (virgin, bi, or gay...i thinks hes all these 3). Bowie (totally bi). Brian Molko (bi). Trent Reznor (bi) And many moreee. I don't know why im saying this but i've always been fascinated with sexuality. Other's people sexuality. At the same time im glad im straight only because my dad is afraid of everything-gayish.

Moving on.

I don't know if i should publicly blog-ish apologise to Alexandreee. Because i cried in front of him. But at the same time it was not my intentions. I've been trying to understand my behaviour, i wrote down some reasons in my relationship diary (mehehehe i know i know- terrible) but it seems theres too many sides and layers of problems surrounding my mini-breakdowns. One thing is clear; when you cry, you dont want your love one to see you in this state and you dont need to be seen. I wish i had a place to hide but the only place i found was his arms, and his nake, and his chest. Crying is such a lonely and private moment that you don't want to share.

*sighs*

This is the best reason to shut the door and leave everything behind you and half die. Because you think i least i am the only one who killed me. Suicide is better than murder. Right.

I have a grandiose imagination and i tend to like the obscure. But it's double sided, i love the most tiniest blooms of beautiful things. The most uber basic good stuff are the things that makes me the happiest. I love food, chocolate, babies, hearts, cats, rainbows, cuddles,penis.... Is that why i want to kill myself emotionnaly or physically? I have no idea. I dont want to fuck things up. Sometimes, i don't fuck things up but I BELEIVE that i fucked up. So thats where i go boom boo boo tears...?

That could be an explannation, a G-Rated one at least.

So dear object of my affection. You don't have to do anything. Just please don't think im crazy (cos im not). And be happy. I like the idea of an happy you. There's things that are triggering me, but it's really not your fault. So i can't ask you for anything else.

Audrey

Si j'étai un garçon je serai comme Nikolas Sirkis. J'aurai mes cheveux peind en noir. Je serai triste mais vivant. J'écrirai des chansons d'amour où les héros meurts ensemble. Je chanterai comme si j'avais toujours 20 ans. Comme si j'avai juste découvert comment c'est long et dure. Innocent je serai toujours innocent. Dans mon coin je changerai le monde des autres pendant que le mien reste entre cassures et rêves.

Mais je suis une fille et je n'ai aucun talents. Alors je l'écoute chanter et pour un instant je suis choqué de me sentir aussi rassuré d'être vivante pour pouvoir l'écouté résonné mes sentiments. Merci merci merci merci merci.

the in between is fine
its the feeling you think you couldn't find
and you're not alone
in the light you are two shadows
i hold my breathe to realize it's real
im fine
and im the first one surprised

then you think you could go back
at being alone
the dream can't last too long
it blooms, it perishs
his heart passing through you
leaving you behind

Names for a cat:

• -Nikita
• -Buffy
• -Madonna

But these are all for female-cats. I want a male-cat too but i can't think of a good name. Elvis Presley? Albert Camus? Morrissey? ARGH ARGH ARHJSHJS I WANT A CAT !!!

The sky is blue blue today and it felt cold outside this morning. It's beautiful. It's so beautiful that i just want to do joyfull simple things. Like spent all my day doing stuff that i love but just slowly. The best of the best.

For today i'd like: a cat, my boyfriend, white mocha, good food, a good bed and my own place to do all this.

i got scared
there was a men behind me
singing a song
out of his mind he was
and i thought no
please no
not again not again
then i ran away
and away i was fine

now i look at myself
i wonder why theres
no grey in my hair
not more lines on my face
i feel so old
then i ask my dad
if he loves me still
im young, too young

the man made me older
but put me back in childhood
in my head

Im afraid winter is coming too soon. Im always cold cold cold. The world is making me sad tonight. I don't want to know why. I feel like i need to supply something. But i dont have anything to give out.

urghurghurgh what a silly thing being alive sometimes

but but but

im not down

im just alive...?