She, subtly doped on her prescription, time-travels trhough the terrain of her unconscious until she overcome by sleep.(...) She is aware of every incoming sensation that glances obliquely against her fragile core.

I found a picture of me and my dad. I was maybe 3 on a little bike, my dad is kneely next to me trying to feel a squeerel. My facial expression is 'im tired, we go home urgh urgh'. It's maybe the most amazing picture i found of me and my dad. We're still the exact person together. Im still next to him, and he's still trying to feed ever fucking squeerels. The only things that changed is that i wasn't afraid to not look happy in pictures. Every pictures after the early childhoods years are smiles plastered on my face. I have one of myself in the hospital, and im smiling. Moments, i felt like i had rocks trowned at me, invisible ropes dragging me...and theres the camera and the click and smile.

This picture, im 3. Theres the most gently dad ever sitting next to me trying to feed a little animal. Im pissed. And it shows on my face. How innocent and true. I love it. He's the same dad now, and every day when he asks me 'how are you Audrey', i answer 'im feeling good'. I don't want to protect myself. I want to protect him and my mom. Never want to see pure fear in their eyes ever again. I need to be alright for them. I wish i could cry in from of them when i feel like im being drowned inside my own body. I wish they knew how horrible i feel sometimes. I wish they could cuddle me not because im good but because they want to cure the pain. I wish they could face the pain. That im not happy anymore and that it takes more than a few months to get over it.

Pain is such a secretive thing. It's so taboo. It shouldn't be between loved ones. Id love my loved ones to tell me about their fear, their personal tragedies, who hurt them and how, that they cried and wished for better days. Nothing is prettier than hold someone and comfort them.Everytime i do this, it takes a little bit of my pain away.

**

Things are ok right now. School is fine. Boyfriend is my lovestoned love. Im still a fat-ass, it's ok, i cant do this overnight. The leaves are turning into reds and yellows and oranges. It's beautiful.

**

Rest in peace Steve Irwin / I watched your funerals last night. I cried. But im sure youre up there , and free.