The little things are too much for me. It's already august. I need to see my doctor for a mental update. I need to check all-things-classes related. I need to loose a million pounds. I need to go blonde. I need to get really great boots. I need to buy cds and dvds and books. There's lists in my head- tons of them. I need to breathe and stay calm and still beleive im not totally fucked in everything. I tend to have the impression that it's been already written somewhere that things are over for me or almost over. Everything is almost in front of me...im just so afraid to think it's worth it.

I names my ipod 'Timmy". He's pretty and little and wonderfull. Im downlaoding all these albums and ive always been too lazy to actually put them on a cd, so today i found myself listening for the first time:
-'Im going to tell you a secret" Madonna (whole concert live)
-Eyes Open-Snow Patrol
-Wicker Park Sountrack (the movie is triple shit but the soundtrack is goood)

My parents were gone all day so i had the house for myself. But i just stayed in this whole world of sound and words and i got tiny tiny glimpses of total perfect joy.
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Scoop...the new Woody Allen movie= A, TOTAL A

V for Vendetta...Still speechless about it. I just know it made me glad to be alive. When V holds Evey and tells her that she can't runaway from her emotions. That she needs to own this moment. That she no longers has fears shutting her off... FUCK thats where i realize that im actually human and i have lived a life and that my brain cells and heart are two different things. That i have a body, that i have things to do, things to feel and no run away from. It's amazing how i can feel some things entirely and other things , that i completly block and shut. And it's all in me. It's sorta floating like air in me. I like to beleive it doesnt make anything change, but it molds me. I know i know.

The thing im scared of everything. Deep down im so scared. But when i don't let my mind slide, i don't see alive disasters coming over me. I feel good.

Good and calm and stars swimming in me...<3>

And im in love.